Broken
by Bryn T. Wedge
Summary: Rodney's façade breaks after the failure on Doranda, and he falls into a deep depression. Carson does his best, but it might not be enough to save the man he loves... McBeckett M/M slash, TW: Depression, Anxiety, Self Harm, Alcohol Abuse, Attempted Suicide.
1. Intro Snippet

_Author's Notes: This fic is equally Rodney and Carson centric, but contains the other Atlantis characters. Not Beta read, so please forgive any errors. Set after the episode Trinity._

* * *

"Rodney?!"  
The scientist looked up towards the source of the voice.  
"Carson?"

"Rodney, please...don't."

Rodney looked up at the doctor standing in the doorway. Carson dare not move, in fear of making Rodney do anything hasty. His breath hitched in his throat, his heart pounded so that the blood thudded audibly in his ears. Rodney looked sullen, and exhaled.  
"You weren't supposed to see this..." he grumbled. "I didn't ... didn't want to ... make you watch."

Carson focused very hard on keeping his voice level and appearing calm, despite the panic attack he was having.

"Watch what, Rodney?"

The doctor didn't get a verbal response, just a sway and a look. He seemed to be drooping, loosing the ability to sit upright. This deeply concerned the doctor, whose eyes darted about the room frantically gathering information. There was the computer on the desk in front of Rodney, some empty wine bottles scattered about, but other than that there seemed nothing out of place. Rodney gave a smile, but it was an empty, wistful smile.

"I, er... left you ...a note."

Rodney's words stabbed Carson painfully in the chest. The Scot's blue eyes pleaded with Rodney.

"Rodney, please... let's talk, I can help."

"No, it's alright. Everything's alright now." Rodney said with the same empty smile. He glanced behind him towards the bed, only a few metres from the table he was seated at.

"Carson... I don't want you to...to see. Please go."  
"Well that's not bloody happening." Carson retorted, more forcefully than intended. He was standing on eggshells, and one wrong move could break everything he held dear. Rodney looked at him with sad eyes. "I'm not leaving you Rodney. Just relax and let me come in. We'll talk this through... just don't do anything rash..."  
"Do?" Rodney asked as he stood, wobbling and steadying himself on the table. He made a move to walk to his bed, but his body looked like it was going to fail him. Carson couldn't hold back the panic now, he was desperately trying not to hyperventilate but his mind wouldn't stop telling him that Rodney's behaviour said he was already too late.

"There's nothing to do... it's already done." Rodney straightened himself, ready to lay on the bed after just one more thing. "Goodbye, Carson."

Rodney then collapsed to the floor, unable to reach the bed. Carson dove towards his friend, tears now flowing down his cheeks.


	2. 2 Months Earlier

_2 Months Earlier_

* * *

Rodney stumbled into his room. He couldn't stop the feelings of guilt overwhelming him. It was all his fault. He was the one that pushed forward with the test... he wasn't even as confident as he projected, he was just desperate. Desperate for anything to stop the wraith, to make up for everyone that died. Not just Collins... but everyone. He could have saved them if he'd only... Rodney sighed as he grabbed his target: a large bottle of whisky. He'd been saving this for a special occasion. Rodney huffed to himself... as if there could be anything worth celebrating now.

Rodney took the bottle with him and walked over to a balcony. People looked at him as he walked, he could hear them mutter amongst themselves but he didn't care. He deserved it, really. He destroyed that solar system, and almost killed Sheppard along with himself. Rodney seated himself on the ground of the balcony, and looked up to the night sky. He found himself wondering which one was Doranda... and so pulled out his tablet and looked it up. It didn't take long, and he'd found the star. He took a large gulp of the amber liquid, cringed, and then looked back up to the sky. It was still there... it was like everything that was plaguing his mind never happened.

Carson had seen Rodney fail before, but never on this scale. The doctor knew he was probably one of the few people on Atlantis that knew the truth about Rodney's bravado. They'd had a rather deep conversation at one point, and Rodney had told him about how he felt like he was responsible for everyone's safety, and the only way to deal with that pressure was to act like he could do everything - so that somehow he might believe it himself. Carson knew he was still arrogant, such was his personality, but it wasn't the obnoxious arrogance he projected outwards. He felt he was smarter than everyone, and therefore had to protect them. Carson hadn't realised just how big of a burden the man carried until that day. And today he would be carrying all of it, and the guilt as well. Everyone else was too angry at him to realise how hard he was taking it, but Carson could see it even from where he stood in the control centre as Elizabeth publicly berated him.

The doctor got worried then, and has only since gotten more worried as the day ended. Rodney had taken scolding from Elizabeth, Sheppard, Radek and even Teyla. He then slunk away, and hasn't been seen by any of them since. Carson quickly finished off his duties in order to go visit his friend, but hadn't been able to find him. He went to Rodney's quarters, but he wasn't there. Radek had assured Carson that he wasn't in any of the labs, and so the doctor was at a loss. No doubt the scientist was hiding, but Carson was more concerned for what kind of state he'd be in. He wanted to help! He was his friend, possibly best friend, after all.

On a whim Carson opened the door to a balcony not far from Rodney's place, and walked out searching. He wasn't there, but Carson could hear faint sobbing drifting over the gentle sounds of the ocean. He couldn't see him, but Carson knew he had to be out there somewhere… just a different balcony. It didn't take too long to find the right one.

Carson gently stepped out onto the darkened balcony, seeing his friend huddled up on the floor in the corner. Rodney had been crying, likely up until the door had opened, as evident by his red puffy eyes and wet cheeks.

"Carson?" Rodney asked, as if to make sure his friend was really there.

"Aye, Rodney, I'm here."

"Why are you here?"  
"What does it look like? I'm here to be with you."

"Why?" Rodney asked, sounding defeated. Carson chose to seat himself beside his friend.  
"Because you look like you could use a friend."

Rodney looked up at Carson, and the doctor could tell his friend was rather drunk already. Things were obviously not going well - Rodney barely drank as it was, so to see him trying to drown out everything with alcohol was a real warning sign.

"No." Rodney stated, closing his eyes and concentrating. "I mean, why would you bother?"

Carson was a little taken aback by the question. He wasn't sure if it was just drunk Rodney asking strange questions, or if he really thought that little of himself.

"Because I care about you."

"You shouldn't. I'll just hurt you eventually." Rodney stuttered, slurring his speech. Carson patted him on his shoulder.

"No, love, you won't. I promise." Carson said gently, and then his stomach dropped at realising what he'd just called Rodney. He suddenly hoped Rodney was too drunk to notice.

"You… you care that much?" Rodney asked, looking deep into Carson's eyes.

"Of course I do." Carson stated, meaning more than what it sounded like. He'd had strong feelings for the scientist for some time, but kept them to himself. And now wasn't the best time to bring them up. Although, it was tempting to because Carson doubted Rodney was going to remember much of their encounter anyway. Rodney seemed placated with his answer, and leaned his head on Carson's shoulder.

"Thank you." Rodney uttered. "You're my only friend."

Carson looked down at the man leaning into him, feeling a strong sense of pity. Again, he wasn't sure if that was just something drunk Rodney thought or if it was something he really believed. Time went by and neither man said a word. Carson had to keep looking down to make sure Rodney was still awake. Sure enough, Rodney's eyes stayed open, reflecting the light of the city before them, as they stared off into the stars.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Carson asked gently. He could feel Rodney shaking his head softly, but even that seemed uncertain.

"I can pretend it never happened."  
"Rodney…"  
"No, really… see that star there?" Rodney slurred as he pointed into the sky. Carson had no idea which one he was pointing to, but played along.  
"Yeah?"  
"That's were Doranda is. It's still there… not gone. Time, it's funny… Cause it is gone, really, but it's not for here. Did…" Rodney hiccoughed, "Did you know that? Time is just … just relative."  
"No, I don't really think about it."  
"Mhm it is. The further away you look, the further back in time you see…I just have to keep looking far away."  
"Rodney…" Carson began, not wanting to disagree but also not wanting him to escape it all and not deal with the problem properly. But he was unable to begin, as Rodney started sobbing again, this time into Carson's shoulder. The doctor shifted to embrace his friend. "It's alright, love." Carson uttered to him while placing his chin on Rodney's head.

Rodney tried to take another large gulp of whiskey, but Carson took the bottle off him. Regrettably, there was only a small amount left lingering in the bottom of the glass.

"I'm sorry, Carsssssson." Rodney mumbled, having real difficultly articulating words.

"It's ok, Rodney. What's done is done now. We just have to move on and learn."

"No, I mean… you's takin care o'me, 'n I … I jussst wishh tha' I wasn't here 'nymore. 'S not fair on you…"

Rodney's words pierced Carson through the chest like ice. He focused on keeping his breathing steady in case Rodney noticed his shock.

"Ok, time for bed now." Carson said, standing and pulling Rodney to his feet. He had half a mind to take the scientist directly to the infirmary, but decided against it. That might not go down too well in the morning for anyone.

Carson half dragged Rodney into his quarters, and managed to get him at least on the bed. Rodney fell asleep almost instantly. Carson couldn't leave him alone, so decided to stay the night. He went into the small kitchen and poured himself a drink. Honestly, he wanted something stronger than water, but seeing how intoxicated Rodney was made him choose against it. He took off his boots and jacket, and flopped down onto the couch. He sighed, and rubbed his face in his hands.  
"Good lord, what am I going to do now?"


	3. Morning After

Carson got up, sore from the couch, and started making himself some coffee. Initially he tried to be quiet, but after there wasn't as much as a stir from Rodney, he went about things as normal. He hadn't managed to get a whole lot of sleep, and he was due in the infirmary in 20 minutes. If Rodney didn't awake by then, he would have to either call in late or leave the man behind. Carson really didn't want to do either. He was glad he didn't have to decide, as it was at that moment he heard a loud groan from the bedroom. Carson grinned softly, and stood in the kitchen with his coffee awaiting Rodney's no doubt less than dramatic entrance.

It was a few minutes, and some cursing, later that Rodney stumbled out into the living area that separated the bedroom and kitchen. Carson stood there, looking serious but amused at his friend's dishevelled appearance. He took a sip of his coffee, and Rodney froze.

"Wha? Carson? What are you doing here?"

"Good morning to you too, Rodney."

"Yeah yeah yeah, but seriously, why are you in my quarters?"

"You don't remember?" Carson asked, more for the fun of it since he obviously didn't.

"What? What happened?"

"I found you out on the balcony having drunk what I hope wasn't an entire bottle of whiskey, and so I brought you here and stayed the night in case you needed me. Which, by the way, you did… otherwise you'd have quite the mess to clean up today." Carson said while he took another sip of his coffee, hinting at the rounds of vomiting Carson had managed to aim at the toilet (mostly). Rodney seemed a bit stunned.

"Oh. Sorry." he said, as he fidgeted with his sleeve.

"It's fine, Rodney, that's what friends do."  
"Ah, so we are still friends?" Rodney asked, a tone of hope in his voice as well as one of doubt.

"Of course we bloody are. Now, how are you feeling?"  
"Like Ronon punched me in the face…"

They both chuckled, but Carson knew Rodney was trying to distract from the seriousness of the issue.

"Aye, physically you're going to be in a bit of pain for a while. Hopefully that's enough of a deterrent against doing it again. How about, you know, emotionally?"

"Huh? I'm fine." Rodney said bluntly, looking away from the doctor's concerned eyes.  
"Rodney…"  
"Seriously, Carson… everything's just fine now."

Carson raised his eyebrow as he finished his coffee.  
"Look, Rodney, I have to go into work now. But I do want to talk to you once my shift finishes at least, or earlier if you want to come in. I understand that you've been restricted from working for a few days?"  
Rodney said nothing, but nodded.

"Alright, well, I assume that mean you have to stay put here."  
"Basically. I can… yeah."

"I'll come back at the end of the day, alright?"

Carson put his cup in the sink, and headed to the door. He knew he couldn't pose his intentions as a question, since Rodney would just decline. He already was insisting he was fine, which Carson knew better. He was stopped as he stepped out of the door, however.

"Carson… Thank you. For staying with me."  
"Any time, love." Carson smiled, allowing himself to use the endearment. He hoped Rodney would remember being called it last night, but he didn't need to stick around and find out the response right now.

Rodney sat on the bed. His head was swimming. He was on his third glass of water, but it didn't quell the throbbing. But he couldn't bring himself to go to the infirmary. He felt like he didn't deserve to be free of pain, not after everything he'd done. He couldn't remember exactly what had happened last night… he remembered crying, but not much else. Carson had been there, obviously, but he had no idea what had transpired between them. He didn't know what it was that he'd said to make Carson so worried. He was Rodney McKay, he was a genius, and most importantly, he was always supposed to be ok. That thought only served to make him feel more depressed. Always having to present to people that he was fine, that he was outgoing and confident, because that's what they expected and they wouldn't accept anything less. He didn't know why people couldn't see past his façade, but he knew that right now no one would even want to. Not after what he'd done. He was just so hopeful that he'd finally have found a way to save everyone… but instead, he just broke everything. No one would trust him again, and what use was he if he couldn't use his brains to save those he cared about?

That was just it. He wasn't useful anymore. Rodney sighed and sunk down into himself. Being needed was all he had. And now? He was confined to quarters. They were probably out there celebrating getting a break from him, he thought. Everyone except Carson. Oh, Carson. The doctor that was the exception to every rule. He cared for Rodney unconditionally, and the scientist couldn't fathom what he'd done to deserve it. He felt a sharp stab of guilt at the memories of him giving Carson shit for this and that, poking fun at medicine, bothering him constantly with his hypochondria… that man really had no reason to like him at all, let alone care about him so much as to stay with him last night of all nights.

"Enough, McKay." Rodney growled at himself, to stop the train of thought he was having. He didn't need to get up any hopes that Carson might like him as more than a friend. Carson deserved more than that anyway, he told himself. He deserved just more pain.

* * *

Carson finished off his duty shift on time. He initially had wanted to go see Elizabeth before he started, but that idea flew out the window when he was supposed to have already started and he was rushing to a transporter.

"Elizabeth, can I speak to you for a moment?" Carson asked as he approached her office. She invited him in to sit.

"What's this about, Carson?"

"I need to talk to you about Rodney."  
"Oh." Elizabeth said with a subtle groan. That was one of the last things she wanted to discuss.

"That's exactly why I need to talk to you." Carson huffed, not impressed with the base's general demeanour towards their head scientist.

"Alright, I'm listening." she said, her detached diplomatic voice resounding through.

"Aye, he made a mistake, but that's no reason to treat him the way everyone is. All he was trying to do was give everyone some way to fight against the Wraith. He fought hard to find something to protect all of us."  
"I'm not questioning his motives, Carson. Well, to be honest, I think it had more to do with his ego than saving all of us…"  
"Well that's where you and everyone have got it bloody wrong." Carson snapped, and the leader of the expedition raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"I'm sorry to be blunt, Elizabeth, but I don't think people quite understand. Rodney puts on a good show of confidence, but that's only because he's trying to convince himself he can do these things. And he only needs to do that because he feels he's responsible for everyone, and it's up to him to protect us all. Aye, he's still a bit arrogant about that, but the point is that he's doing it out of fear of losing us, not to boost his ego. I would have thought you of all people would know that, Elizabeth? He's shown time and again that he put himself in danger before others, and he never lets on just how bloody terrified he is about it. Sure he complains but he still does it!"  
"Alright, but I don't see what this has to do with things right now." Elizabeth stated, still sitting back in her chair.

"You honestly don't see how someone who tries his very best to protect us all, out of responsibility, might be reacting to being scolded and punished for a failure to do so?"  
"It wasn't just a failure, Carson, it was a massive explosion that almost kill him and John."  
"Aye Rodney goes all out, I know, but the point is…he's suffering more than you know."  
"Suffering how?"  
"He's not just had his pride hurt, he's a wreck. I found him last night drinking himself half to death, out on a balcony. He sobbed for a good half hour on my shoulder before telling me he wished he wasn't here anymore -"

"He wants to leave Atlantis?"  
"No, he meant it in the sense of not wanting to be anywhere anymore."

There was a sobering silence that settled over the room. Elizabeth took a moment to absorb the information. Rodney always seemed so full of himself, she never thought scolding him like she did would affect him much. He always defended himself enough…

"What do we do?" She asked finally.  
"I don't know, I can't be certain it wasn't just something he said while being that drunk. I put him to bed and stayed with him over the night. This morning he tried to pass me off, saying he was fine. But I know he's not, and everyone treating him like he's a failure and not trusting him isn't going to help."

"I'm not sure what I can do about that…" Elizabeth defended, but was honestly unsure how to change the attitudes of everyone on the base without hearing what she'd just heard.

"I'm going to go see him now. I just needed you to be aware of it, and be open to helping me if the need arises. And to stop punishing him like he doesn't care."

Elizabeth nodded at Carson, and so the doctor took that as a cue to leave.


	4. Exposed Secret

Rodney hadn't left his quarters all day. He didn't feel the need. He stayed in bed all day, initially because of the hangover, but then didn't want to get up afterwards anyway. His mind was just going in circles, and he felt a great weight pressing down on his chest making it difficult to breathe. Not in the physical sense, he still could take in gasps of air when he needed it, but he just had the overwhelming emotional feeling of it being too much effort. This kept happening to him… the same thing, over and over. When he somehow managed to pull off a miracle, no one cared. They certainly never cared at what cost to him. But when he fails… people die, and it's his fault; or people's lives are threatened and it's his fault… and he's just scolded and distanced from everyone.

He heard the tone of the doorbell, and muttered "come in". It was barely audible, but it was the mental concept that the door needed to open.

"Rodney? You've not moved all day!" exclaimed a certain Scottish doctor. Rodney didn't feel the need to answer.

Carson had to admit, he was a little concerned as to what state he'd find his friend in. He was glad that he was still in his room at least, and guessed it was as good an outcome as any that Rodney stayed in bed. He walked over and sat on the edge.  
"Are you…" He was going to ask if he was alright, but it was obvious he wasn't, and so changed his mind half way. "… still feeling unwell from the alcohol?"  
"No." Rodney answered, and Carson could hear the hopelessness in his voice.

"That's good then." he said, while patting Rodney's arm a few times. The scientist seemed to shy away from the contact, and Carson feared he'd taken objection to being called 'love' earlier today. It wasn't that long ago that Rodney had kissed him, and while it had been something Carson had dreamt of for some time, he knew it wasn't really Rodney. He was worried, however, that Rodney thought he was making something more of it only because of thinking Rodney wanted it. Now might not be the best time to try confessing his feelings to the pressured scientist. On the other hand, it might be exactly the right time - giving Rodney something close to hold on to. Would that be taking advantage of his friend's vulnerable state? Would he still want to be with him after feeling better about himself? Did he want to put himself (and Rodney) through that? Would Rodney even be open to that?

"Carson?" Rodney asked, and Carson directed his attention back to the man in the bed. He'd not realised that he had been sitting there in silent contemplation for a minute or so.

"Aye love?" dammit, he did it again.

"Why are you taking care of me?"

Hm, well that was a loaded question, Carson thought to himself. He opened his mouth to speak, but Rodney beat him to it.

"And I know it's not just because you're a doctor. You could have pawned me off to any of your staff."  
"Well, it's because I care, Rodney. I doubt you'd remember us having this conversation last night."  
"Oh. Sorry. I don't, no." Rodney stated, sighing afterwards. He waited for Carson to continue talking, explaining whatever it was they'd discussed while he was intoxicated, but there was just silence.

"Well aren't you going to tell me?" He questioned, sitting up a little to look into Carson's blue eyes. Carson hesitated for a moment. Before Carson had decided what to say, having concluded he'd best just be open and honest with the man, Rodney groaned and flopped back on the bed.

"I didn't, did I? Well that'd explain why… look, you don't have to placate me, Carson, I'm perfectly capable of handling rejection. Just say it and we'll move on; don't do me any favours. I'm not worth that."

Carson just blinked, his mouth still agape from when he was about to talk. Now he was really confused. What was Rodney talking about? Placate? Rejection? He thought he was the one about to get rejected. It occurred to Carson that Rodney was talking about his suicidal feelings. Carson took a breath and looked directly at his friend.

"Listen to me, Rodney. Stop saying you're not worth my time, because you most certainly are. I want to be here for you, you hear? I'm not doing you a favour, I'm doing it because I actually do care."  
"You… you do?"  
"Aye, Rodney… you're important to me, more than you know, and I'm not going anywhere."

Rodney processed the information, and sat up to be eye level with Carson. Given how things have been for him lately, it was strange to think something was going his way for once. If he had known Carson reciprocated his feelings, he would have confessed them sooner. He might not have needed Cadman to kiss Carson for him…. although, knowing himself, he would have been too scared. He had reacted rather defensively when Carson had mocked his going out with "a woman", trying to hide the fact that he wasn't interested in her much but just too scared to decline. Cadman had been right; he didn't know anything about women. But he didn't really need to, not when he was infatuated with the bases' _male_ chief medical officer. Cadman had gotten frustrated with him, tried to give him the chance to come clean before things got too far, but he was ever the coward. He was glad though, albeit a little shocked, when Cadman forced the kiss between them. Rodney suddenly looked sheepish at the thought that it had just taken enough alcohol to get the truth out.

"So, uh, you're… you're ok with it?"  
"I'm glad you told me, Rodney. I prefer to know about these things, even if it's a bit awkward to talk about."  
"Good… good." Rodney could feel himself blushing with embarrassment.

"Hey, don't be embarrassed love, I'm sure there are others on the base that feel the same as you do sometimes."  
"Well statistically it should be at least 10%…." Rodney blurted out, grasping at anything factual to try and feel a sense of solidity beneath his feet. Carson raised his eyebrow, unsure if that was entirely accurate. He hoped not at least… but then again, their predicament did often seem hopeless so perhaps it was right.

"I'm not really sure, that's more a question for Dr Heightmyer."

There was an awkward pause, just briefly, before Rodney broke the tension with more conversation.

"Last night, did we… did I do anything?" Rodney hoped dearly that he hadn't blurted out his affections and then immediately try to feel Carson up.

"We just talked, and you mostly slept and vomited."

Rodney felt a wave of relief. The gaping hole he felt in his stomach seemed to fill in a little.

"I'm sorry I have to ask, I wish I could remember… did we decide on anything? Like where to go from here?"  
"Not really, you weren't very coherent even by the time I arrived. Speaking of which, I don't want you drinking that much again, you hear?"  
"Alright. I'll try." Rodney conceded. He couldn't promise he wouldn't, but at least he honestly didn't want to feel as bad as he had that morning again.

"Thank you." Carson said with a smile. "But I've been thinking about it today. I don't know how much you want the rest of the base to know for now?"  
"Preferably nothing. I don't know how well that'd go down." Rodney said, eyes shifting to the side. As open minded as the scientists were, there would be no doubt some trouble makers and he didn't really have a clue about how the military would handle it. The last thing he needed was another reason for everyone to hate him.

"Alright, we can see how things go for now. But I will warn you that others might find out, those close to you, if things progress as they are."  
"Um I guess that'll be ok when it happens?" Rodney responded, a little confused. Carson noted Rodney's unease.

"Look, we'll just aim to meet up every day or every other day and talk for a while, then we can get a better idea of everything. Things might just sort themselves out, so don't worry too much." Carson offered, happy to take time out of his day to help Rodney. It might not be the kind of interaction he'd prefer, but any time was worth it.


	5. Misinterpretation

Rodney leaned in towards Carson and rested his head against the doctor's shoulder.

"I'm glad I have you."

Carson just smiled and stroked Rodney's back.

"Don't worry, Rodney. We'll get through this." Carson said soothingly. Rodney, however, jerked upright.

"What do you mean, 'through this'? I thought you wanted…I … I guess I thought you… but you don't…I understand. I mean sure, I'd prefer friends to nothing. I don't know why I thought someone as amazing as you would want someone like me with them, I'm sorry, I just assumed…" Rodney started to panic. Carson was suddenly very confused.  
"Rodney what are you talking about? Of course I want to help you through it, how could you think otherwise after what I've just said? You're important to everyone on the base, Rodney, not just me. And even if not, I'm a doctor, it's my job and duty to help."  
"Wait, duty as a doctor? Why would that matter?"  
"Well I help people, save lives… I can't just sit idle as anyone, especially a friend, is struggling so much that they wish they weren't here…" Carson couldn't understand why he was having to explain this, or why Rodney was so confused. Rodney was starting to hyperventilate in his panic, and so Carson turned his attention to that.

"Deep regular breaths, Rodney…"

"Oh god…" Rodney rasped out. He was starting to realise that he'd revealed something else entirely to Carson last night. All this time he was talking about confessing his love, Carson was talking about suicide? His body was shaking, and Carson's concerned back strokes weren't helping. He revealed something rather serious, and to be honest he would have actually preferred to have made a pass at Carson and been willingly 'helped through it' at this point.

"It's ok, Rodney, just breathe." Carson lulled, still having no clue what brought about this sudden panic attack. Although, it had seemed that Rodney was talking about something else. Maybe he had wanted to keep this a secret? Carson mused to himself. He didn't care, however… things like this need to be addressed, and hiding them only makes it worse.

"I… I'm… I'm sorry." Rodney said between breaths.

"What did you think we were talking about?" Carson asked, trying to focus the scientist's mind.

"I… I don't think I should say."

"Well you thought it was fine to talk about before you realised I wasn't following." Carson rebutted. He didn't really like to push the matter, but if there's one thing Rodney likes to do, it's retort.

"Yeah cause I thought you were fine with it! I don't know that now, do I?" Rodney snapped, his attention focusing back on Carson. The doctor was pleased it was effective in easing the man's panic attack.

"And you won't know if I am unless you tell me." Carson said, inviting retaliation.  
"I can't, it's too personal. It's bad enough you know about … wishing not to be here sometimes. And I stress… _sometimes._ I'm not about to go walking up to the wraith."  
"Well no, that'd be an awful and difficult to execute way to die."  
"Obviously! Besides, we're not talking about this. OR that other thing."

"Please tell me love, you seemed to be so content a moment ago."

Rodney froze his onslaught he'd prepared. There was that word again: love. Why was Carson saying it all of a sudden to him now?  
"Why do you keep saying that?"  
"What?"  
"Love. You keep calling me that."  
It was Carson's turn to be awkward now. He looked down at the bedsheets and shrugged.

"I call all the people I am close with that. It's a Scot thing."  
"No, I don't think so, Carson. You can't just change and have no reason. Is it because you want me to feel wanted so I don't kill myself?"  
"No! Well, that would be nice yes, but that's not why… I just, I feel…"

There was another awkward silence. Rodney stared intently at the doctor, awaiting the continuation of that sentence. He was perhaps a little too hopeful that the remainder would reciprocate his own feelings, but he was also terrified it was to do with his mental health. Carson looked about sheepishly, unsure what to say. No words came to mind. So he said just one.

"Closer."

"You feel closer?"

"Aye. To you."

Rodney's heart was still pounding, and he was starting to have trouble simulating a regular breathing rhythm. He really wanted to just say it… he thought he already did last night, and it was sounding more and more like Carson would want to know for positive reasons. He took a deep breath, and gathered courage.

"It was me."

"I'm sorry?" Carson asked.

"Cadman did it because of me."

Carson shook his head slightly to make sure he had heard right. He waited for Rodney to continue, since at least he did like to fill silences.

"She found out about my feelings for you, and tried to get me to 'come out' as it were, that night at dinner. But I was too scared, it was all so fast. I mean I'd only made the date because I was too scared to say no in the first place! Cadman was the one kissing Katie, more to just get me out of there. But when we were about to die… she took pity on me, and so took control and gave me that one moment."  
Carson looked stunned. That actually made a lot of sense… Laura hadn't said why she couldn't stay with him, and just had said 'because of Rodney', which he had assumed meant it was an argument or issue, not that Rodney liked him. His head was reeling.

"Carson? Are you alright?" Rodney asked, having expected a fast response to his ramblings. Instead the doctor looked to be in shock. Carson slowly looked up at Rodney.

"You bloody git, I'd been dreaming of kissin' you for months before that, and you lead me to believe that was all I'd get? One from Cadman via you?"  
"I …er… what?"  
"I liked you before that … incident."  
"You did? Why didn't you say anything?"  
"Probably for the same bloody reasons you didn't!" Carson snapped back, not annoyed but still feeling rather strongly about it all… hence the swearing.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know…" Rodney said, hoping the doctor wasn't too annoyed. He wasn't sure why he would be, but wanted to avoid any conflict anyway.

There was silence again, as the two men sat on Rodney's bed.  
"So, what are we going to do now?" Rodney asked, hoping Carson would take the lead and make a decision. He was alright with just being friends, but if Carson reciprocated his feelings, he'd rather try something more. He didn't break his gaze from the Scot's blue eyes, and felt an adrenalin rush as he saw Carson move closer and kiss him gently.


	6. Eulogy

_Author's Note: So sorry it's been ages since uploading! I've had some stuff on, but there are a few chapters coming now!_

A few days had passed, and Carson hadn't talked about Rodney's feelings. They had met after Carson's shift ended each day, but mostly there wasn't much deep conversation that went on. They watched a movie, they talked of Carson's home in Scotland, of Rodney's childhood, then of Carson's childhood, and of their previous romantic interests. They cuddled often, and kissed on occasion - they wanted to take things slow. Rodney hadn't actually had a relationship with a man before; but considering he'd only had a relationship with two women, there wasn't much bias involved. Most of his interests had been only interests - and he'd only vocalised to others about the female ones in an attempt to keep that other part of himself hidden. He'd been bullied for it as a boy, and so had kept men at a distance save for some one-night experiences. Carson, on the other hand, had a long term relationship with a man in Scotland during med school, a few shorter term ones (also all men), and a couple of brief encounters with both sexes.

Things were going fine, almost as if that night Carson found Rodney drunk hadn't had happened. That was until Collins' funeral. Carson had watched Rodney stand there stoic during all of the speeches, and deliver a short speech himself void of emotion. He seemed like he was detaching himself as best he could to just function… Carson could tell something was off. The others around, however, thought Rodney's emotionless delivery was in poor taste, as they still all blamed him for the death in the first place. Carson wanted to slap them all.

After the casket was sent back through the Stargate to Earth, the crowd dissipated to the mess hall where they could have some time to talk to each other. Rodney sunk down into himself at the gazes he received in passing, but didn't move to follow. Carson hung back, wanting to watch what he was doing but give him space. The scientist gazed up at the Stargate.

"I'm so sorry." Rodney uttered, his voice catching in his throat, and then turned away. He didn't go to the mess, however. He walked up the stairs and out to the balcony near the control room. Carson followed quietly - he felt silly being concerned Rodney might jump, but he'd never forgive himself if that happened and he'd just walked off to the mess hall.

Rodney leaned against the railing, breathing in the salty air. He was glad he'd managed to hold it together for the service, but it was all rising up to the surface now. He didn't usually have this bad a reaction to the loss of a base member, but for some reason it was affecting him more than before. Maybe because it was directly his fault this time? He had been in charge, he was the one pushing forward with the experiment, he was the one who told Collins to go in there.

"It's my fault." Rodney said as he started to cry. He held his hand up to his eyes as they leaked. He heard the door opening. Great, he thought. He rubbed his eyes and tried to pretend nothing was wrong, and refused to look at the person entering. Probably Elizabeth coming to scold him for his speech. He suddenly felt a hand on his back, and turned to face the one person he wanted to see right now.

"I'm here love." Carson uttered, looking into Rodney's red puffy eyes. He knew better than to say 'it's ok', because it sure wasn't. The scientist didn't say a word, just turned and leaned into Carson and cried. Carson embraced him gently, and just let him cry into his chest. Rodney reached up and held the doctor close as his body shook.  
"I…I don't want to… go into see everyone…. right now." Rodney spoke through sniffles.

"You don't have to. Just go have a lie down in your quarters, or mine if you'd prefer."

Rodney nodded, face still against Carson's now wet jacket.  
"Yours." He said, feeling rather vulnerable. Carson nodded and slowly made to move. Rodney followed without much resistance.

Carson's quarters were fairly close to the infirmary. It had a kitchen much like Rodney's (a feature reserved only for some select living quarters), and the layout was pretty identical as well: door opened into the living area, bedroom with ensuite to the room on the right, kitchen on the left which overlooked the living area. However, instead of diplomas on the wall, Carson had it filled with images of Scotland and his family. There were more little items scattered about the place, and a blanket on the couch; there was a packed med kit on the floor near the door, and a smaller one at Carson's bedside. All in all, it was a lot more cosy than Rodney's.

Rodney crept onto the bed. The feeling that felt like ice in his stomach, rising up into his chest to stop him breathing properly, was back. He curled up as best he could into a ball, and just looked at the wall with eyes half open. Carson stood looking at him, with furrowed eyebrows. He was getting concerned that these feelings weren't about to just go away, and his friend was becoming clinically depressed. He had taken psychology at university, much like most med students, but he never pursued it. He preferred things he could physically interact with. It didn't help that in the morning, Rodney needed to start his duty shifts again.

Carson sat on the corner of the bed.

"Do you want to spend the night?"

Rodney looked up at his friend, looking for any hint that the invitation was for something more than just sleeping. Finding just a friendly gaze staring back at him, he nodded. He didn't feel up to progressing their relationship any further right now.

"Alright, well I'll make some pasta for dinner a bit later on." Carson informed, but Rodney didn't react.

"Do you want to talk, love?"  
There came a whine from Rodney, like he was trying to speak but his vocal chords didn't want to oblige.

"It's alright, the offer is there later on if you want." Carson said, and petted Rodney's arm a few times before getting up and moving to the next room.

Rodney lay in the bed, unable to sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he just felt like he was falling into a cold darkness. There were just the memories of his failures, of people who died because of him, of times people he cared about had almost died because of him. He felt like crying again, but without much reason. Except he also felt like he was too exhausted to cry. So he just lay there, listening to a negative internal monologue.

Carson lay sleeping beside him, snoring very softly. Rodney rather liked it; it was a constant confirmation that someone who cared about him was there. They were back to back, but not actually touching. Rodney felt the stab of that dark ice again. He felt so guilty for allowing himself to become closer to Carson. That wonderful and kind man deserved much more than him, he thought to himself. And, of course, he was just setting Carson up for more pain in the future. Eventually the doctor would grow sick of him like everyone else, and then leave him. He deserved that pain, he felt, but he knew it would hurt Carson too… and he couldn't do that. He caused so much pain already. The feeling of crying was bubbling up again at the thought of Carson leaving him - he'd be truly alone then. Rodney took a deep breath that broke a few times upon inhaling, but it seemed to placate that rising tension feeling.

His eyes flickered to the clock. It was only an hour until he needed to get up and go in to the lab for his first day back on the job. He honestly didn't want to. He felt exhausted, despite being unable to sleep, and didn't feel up to putting on the façade again. Being confident, exuberant, demanding, orderly… it all seemed a bit daunting. Especially considering how everyone else wouldn't have forgotten about what he'd done.


	7. Symptoms

The day had passed, finally. It was just one long drone for Rodney. He couldn't ignore the glances he'd gotten from everyone he passed. He had a briefing first thing in the morning, and the others had acted like he wasn't even there. Rodney didn't do anything to change their attitude; he sat there quietly and didn't give any input. They never asked him, and he never offered any suggestions. The rest of the day he was in the lab with Zelenka. Rodney was just as quiet; he only spoke once he actually needed someone else's help or attention, and even that was in an uncharacteristic hushed and gentle tone. He had ignored any attempt to bait him, ignored the insults, and had left on time for once. He barely looked anyone in the eye, but that wasn't so unusual for him.

Strangely, Rodney had felt increasingly tense while working. He was just doing maintenance of the systems, nothing that was taxing or the least bit challenging. Yet, as the day wore on, he felt more and more anxious. He of course tried to hide it from his colleagues, and had gotten rather annoyed at himself for it being a problem in the first place. Nothing he did seemed to abate the feeling of dread. He found himself staring at the clock in the end, just waiting for his shift to be over so he could escape back to his room. He felt he couldn't breathe for the last hour, and had left the lab gasping for air. He was sitting on his bed, trying to control his breathing.

 _No one died today. There were no incidents. I did nothing wrong…_ Rodney repeated to himself. Why was he so anxious? There had been nothing to bring about this near panic attack. The scientist sighed to himself, the overwhelming sadness washing over him. That, at least, calmed him down. _This must just be my life now. Maybe a punishment?_ He thought. He preferred the feeling of being hollow and filled with ice over the feeling of dread and panic. He hung his head in his hands.  
"I'm falling apart." He uttered to himself. "… and I deserve it." He sighed deeply, feeling the pain of the emptiness radiate through his body. Pain… he deserved that as well. He thought that maybe if he caused some more pain, something physical, it would be easier? Or it would distract him for a bit at least?

"Carson, may I speak to you for a moment?"  
The doctor looked up from the microscope to see Radek standing near him.

"Radek, of course! What's up?" Carson said cheerfully as he spun in his chair.

"I don't know if I should exactly be saying this, but I am feeling a little worried about Rodney."

Carson's stomach dropped. He had hoped Rodney's first day back on the job would go smoothly and he'd just ease back into his old self, putting everything else behind him. It may have been a bit presumptuous.

"I think I know what you're talking about, I've had my eye on him for the past week."  
"Oh, that is good, you probably don't need me talking with you then." Radek said, and made to leave.

"Radek wait!" Carson said before the scientist had taken two steps. "Please, have a seat."

Radek pulled up the chair next to Carson.

"I think it might be a good idea to have this conversation. First, what was it that you noticed about him?"  
"Well, he wasn't acting at all himself. He was being … pleasant. Not overly friendly, but he didn't insult anyone and just kept to himself. He didn't even respond when people poked their usual fun at him. He just kept his head down and focused on his own things. No shouting… it was like he didn't have the heart for what he was doing. He left right on time, but had been acting funny for a time before that."  
"Funny how?"

"Oh like sighing and breathing irregularly. By the last 10 minutes he was panting, but I don't think he thought we noticed."

Carson thought that it sounded like a panic attack, and of course one that Rodney would try to hide. He took a deep breath. This apparently wasn't going to be as easy as he hoped. Radek might be able to help though.  
"Radek, I know it's hard to believe, but he's actually going through a rough time right now. I was hoping getting back to his old duties would help but it sounds like it isn't. I can't really tell you the details, but he's not ok. No one seems to be interested in how he's been handling things since the incident."  
"Well no, he was being a -"  
"Yes, well, it's in the past now. He puts on a … an outgoing and confident personality, let's just say… to try compensate for his insecurity."  
Radek was skeptical, having only known the abrasive Rodney. But he was still a friend, and so Radek listened further.

"I want you to just try be kind to him. And tell me how he's going during work."  
"I can do that, Carson. Believe me, after what I've had to put up with in the past, I can be kind to this less aggressive Rodney."

Rodney took out a knife from the kitchen. He poked the tip of his finger, not enough to cause any harm, as he walked at sat at the table. He looked at the knife, and at his finger that he held out in front of him.

"This is stupid." He said and put both his hands and the knife on the table. Well, it was only going to be a little prick, just to see if it did work in distracting him…

"Ok, just a prick." he told himself and steadied his hand, the knife hovering over his middle finger. He breathed deep and jabbed the pointed end into the side of his finger. He felt the adrenaline rush through his body at the shock of it - just what he'd hoped. He looked intently at the small bead of red that leaked out. It was just so … meaningful. To see blood was to see the hurt. If only it were as simple to see the hurt inside him as it was to see blood. He sighed and put the knife in the sink. He thought he'd feel even worse about harming himself, but it did in fact, in some strange way, make him feel better. Maybe it was the control? The visual undeniable proof that there was something wrong? As a scientist, clear proof was a comfort to him, and being in control was also a comfort… so it wasn't really as surprising as he'd thought.

He went to bed rethinking his teen years. He'd known of self harm, known people who did it, but never understood it. He'd always thought them weak, or obnoxiously calling out for attention in a selfish manner he had a distaste for. But he realised he never actually understood it, and doubted that anyone who didn't feel as he did now would be able to understand. That's why he decided to keep this hidden from everyone, even (his boyfriend?) Carson.

On cue, the door opened and Carson entered. A sudden panic rushed through Rodney at the thought of how close he'd come to being seen - he decided to be less open about it next time.

"Rodney?"  
"In here." Rodney responded from the bed.

Carson entered the room, and again sat on the bed.

"How was your day? Did things go ok?"  
"Reasonable."

"What were you doing?"  
"Maintenance."

"Alright. Was your team happy to see you?"  
"I doubt it."

Carson nudged Rodney's leg with his hand.

"Oi, what was that for?"  
"Because I'm sure you're being too hard on yourself."  
"Pfft, no, I just don't think they were happy to have to deal with me again."

"Were they unkind?" Carson enquired, pretending not to have spoken with Radek at all.

"No they were fine. I've just always shouted at them in the past, they don't have much reason to want me back."

"Oh you never know." Carson said, wanting to end the conversation about Rodney's shortcomings. He cleared his throat before continuing. "Did you feel alright? Just between us."

Rodney sat upright and looked at Carson. He sunk into himself and looked about. He wanted to tell Carson at least about the problems with anxiety he'd been having.

"Well … just between us, I had been feeling rather… anxious. I don't know why, we weren't doing anything even slightly difficult or dangerous. But I found myself getting more tense as the day wore on and by the end I couldn't breathe."

"Hm, well, depression and anxiety often occur together - yes, Rodney, as a doctor that is my diagnosis - so it's not that uncommon. I could start you on some antidepressants?"  
"No."

"Rodney, it's alright to be on medication…"  
"No. They affect your mind, and that's what I'm needed around he for. I won't jeopardise that unless it's absolutely necessary. As it is, I'm going alright aside from those panic attack things. Just give me something for those instead if you must."

Carson sighed and looked at his … partner? They should have a conversation about that later on, he thought. It wasn't really standard practise to prescribe antidepressants before a month of symptoms, but these were different circumstances. It wasn't recommended to prescribe the medication Rodney was asking for even for patients that had used antidepressants for years without incident… there was too much of a chance of becoming dependant on them instead of sorting the issue itself out. But in all honesty, there wasn't much of a chance to sort out the issue. Even if one was solved, another took its place… such was the nature of their predicament. And Rodney was right: he was needed.

"Carson?"  
"Aye?"

"Nothing, you've just been sitting there not talking for a while."  
"Sorry, love. I was just thinking about your request."  
"Request?"  
"The type of medication you want isn't something generally given for this problem this early."  
"But?"  
"But I think I will allow it. But there are some conditions."

Rodney looked about. He wasn't sure if he even wanted it to begin with, now he had to agree to conditions?  
"First, is that they are for emergencies only. Not to be taken just whenever you feel like it… you have to be actually staving off a panic attack. Second, you will need to talk with me or Dr Heightmyer fairly regularly until you're back to not needing them. Third…it's more a request than a condition… let Radek know."  
"I can concede to the first. And I'm only going to talk with you, I don't want anyone else involved. Which is why I won't do third."  
"Rodney, it would ease my mind a lot if I knew you had someone else that knew even a little that is around you more than I. Please."

Rodney sighed. He found it very difficult to argue with the doctor when he was looking at him with those pleading blue eyes. Rodney really didn't want anyone else involved, but if it meant he would get something to help that awful suffocating feeling that interfered with his work, he would concede.

"Fine, I'll tell Zelenka something. Not everything mind, just to be aware of needing the pills."

"Good. Now, come to the infirmary and I'll get you some. Then would you like to go to the mess and have dinner?"  
"Yeah, sounds good."

They got up and left for the infirmary. Carson pulled a key out of his jacket pocket, and opened a large cabinet filled with an assortment of medications. He flicked around a few before finding one he wanted. He opened the box, one of many, and pulled out a single strip. He closed the cabinet with the key, and slipped it back in his jacket while turning around to Rodney.

"Now, these are benzodiazepines. These are rather strong, so take only one when you feel overwhelmed by anxiety. There's 10 there, and I don't expect you to need more for around another two weeks."

Rodney said nothing, and nodded, taking the strip and putting it in his pocket.

"Dinner?" Carson asked cheerfully.

"Dinner." Rodney said, returning the smile.


	8. Management

"Hey Radek, can I talk to you a sec?" Rodney asked, after the lab had been emptied save for himself and his fellow scientist.

"Sure, Rodney, what is this about?" the Czech asked, despite having some idea of where it was leading.

"I er, well… Carson has given me some pills. He wanted me to let you know."  
"Alright. Why?"  
"Oh just cause… well, I have been having some trouble with anxiety for some reason and er… these should help."  
"Ok, but I meant why do I need to know?"  
"Ah, right, yes, yes… Um I assume so you can help? I don't know. I don't want anyone else knowing, is all, and maybe you could help me keep it a secret? Or just so if you notice a change you know it's no big deal, nothing to worry about."  
Radek nodded, knowing it was rare that his fellow scientist was this open to him.

"Ok Rodney, thanks for letting me know."

Rodney nodded, and straightened himself up. He had been trying hard to keep his calm, and not let anything much seem the matter. He was still the head scientist after all, he needed the others to have faith in his abilities.

Rodney collapsed on his bed. It had been an exhausting day. Nothing major had happened, but he found it difficult none the less. He hadn't struggled with anxiety much, so that was a bonus, but absolutely everything was an effort. He lay here now, unable to move, a great weight crushing his chest. He just felt so… _tired_. Not sleepy, but tired. He couldn't be bothered taking off his shoes, he couldn't find the strength to take his jacket off, and he just didn't want to eat. Breathing seemed hard enough. He just wanted it all to stop, somehow.

Rodney lifted his head and glanced at his table. He'd snuck in his combat knife. He had felt guilty, and stupid, at the time. But now… now it seemed like he'd made a good decision. Kitchen knives were for eating, combat knives were made for harming. He found a new source of strength as he got up and walked over to the table. He took the knife in his hand and seated himself.

"Too obvious…" he said to himself as he looked at his fingertips. He instead rolled up his left sleeve. There he could hide it easy enough. He exposed the sensitive skin underneath his wrist, but couldn't seem to make any cut there. Instead he turned his arm over to the rougher side, and placed the blade's edge on the skin. He knew it wasn't technically conventional, from what he knew anyway, but that seemed better anyway. He pressed harder, and dragged the blade across. It stung, and while that was the intention, he found it too slow. He was torn between getting the pain for distraction and not hurting. He just couldn't seem to maintain causing himself harm. Instead, he drew the blade up and then struck it down in a single quick motion, creating a long cut. This one bled a lot more than the first, and he was pleased with himself.

"Ah, that's better." Rodney spoke as he watched the slice fill with blood. He liked seeing that there was damage, rather than actually feeling the pain. He didn't know if that made him a coward, but he didn't care. He touched the wound gently, letting the blood dab onto his two fingers. He looked at them for a while, just looking at the blood and the hurt it represented. He was overwhelmed by another wave of despair as he thought of what he was doing, and that he didn't even know why he felt this way in the first place. So he struck himself again, partly as a punishment this time. The second strike wound was close to the first, in the middle of his forearm, and again deeper. Blood spilled out quicker, and even beaded into a blob at the end. He knew it wasn't much, but it was something at least.

He put the knife down and took a deep breath, focusing on the stinging sensation in his arm. Somehow he felt calmer inside… he didn't try to understand why for once, he just accepted that it helped. The hypochondriac in him knew he should clean the wounds, despite them being minor, and so he rinsed his arm under the sink. He patted his arm dry, and then rolled his sleeve back down. Good enough, he thought to himself.

Radek had gone back to Carson and told him what Rodney had said, and wanted to know more about the pills… just so he knew what to expect. Carson felt proud of his boyfriend; he knew just how difficult it must have been for him to talk to Radek. He also felt a surge of excitement when referring to Rodney as 'his boyfriend', even if it was only in his mind. He told Radek of the calming effect the pills were to cause in the even of a panic attack, but there wasn't a whole lot more he needed to tell; it was all pretty simple really.

The doctor spent the evening with his partner again, and was glad to see Rodney was seemingly alright. He still and an air of anxiety about him, but that was just normal really. The scientist was a pessimist by nature, and usually worrying about something. Still, Carson felt glad that he was able to do something that was of help.

They had dinner, and then lay on the couch together with a movie. They were in Carson's quarters again, since he felt better being closer to the infirmary in case of an emergency. The only problem was that he tended to get more visitors than Rodney, and so the chance of the two of them being caught together as 'more than friends' was a lot higher. Carson had been gently stroking Rodney whom lay in front of him, and Rodney had relaxed a lot under his touch.

"At least I get to come home to you." Rodney uttered. Carson snapped his attention to the scientist, since there had just been silence and the quiet hum of the movie. He couldn't guess what Rodney had been thinking about in his internal dialogue, but was glad it had a positive ending. Carson didn't know what to say, and so leaned over and kissed Rodney.

Rodney kissed back, and slid his hand around the doctor's neck. Carson tingled at Rodney's touch, and tentatively slid his hand down the scientist's chest as they kissed. Rodney broke the kiss and hummed in enjoyment - it had been a long time since he'd received such _intimate_ touches. He looked up at Carson, staring deep into the Scot's blue eyes, and saw a gleam of passion in his eyes. Rodney's breath caught in his throat, and he felt adrenaline surge through his body. Any thoughts of going slow or resisting his urges flew out the window with that one look from Carson.


	9. Floaty

Rodney sat at his computer. He stared at the readings, but didn't absorb any information. He was lost in thought about the previous night with Carson. He'd been so excited for everything they did, and he physically enjoyed the whole ordeal. But right now he couldn't feel anything. How could he have felt such happiness and excitement last night, and sit here unable to enjoy anything at all? Not even the memory of what had happened? He was just empty. His work meant nothing to him at all. He'd been given time alone even, and yet he wasn't happy. He felt like he couldn't be happy about anything again.

Rodney slumped in his chair. Carson was right, he was depressed. He'd browsed a little in the medical database about the condition, and everything fitted. But he couldn't bring himself to take the antidepressants. He'd been right about them affecting one's mind, and he couldn't let that happen when everyone's lives depended on his clear quick thinking. He still hadn't gone off-world since the Doranda incident, but his team had planned for a recon tomorrow. Rodney wasn't sure he was ready. If he felt tomorrow the way he did today, then he wouldn't be much use and could even be a liability.

He felt a sudden stab of panic at the thought he'd be responsible for another death. The thought that followed was a particularly disturbing one: _unless it was yourself._ He knew he shouldn't think those things, but he couldn't stop himself. And he couldn't deny the truth that he would feel a whole lot better if it was him that died instead of his teammates - particularly if it was his fault. He was needed to get people out of situations here though. But then again… if he wasn't around, they probably wouldn't get into the situations in the first place. At least that's what Rodney thought to himself. And he wouldn't put people's lives in danger.

Rodney suddenly felt the urge to cut himself again. His entire body felt heavy, and he had the feeling of breathing being too much effort, and he just wanted an escape. He was alone in his lab, however he also wasn't in his combat gear… and so there weren't any knives nearby. There were some in the main lab, however.

He didn't need much time to decide, and left his computer processing the simulation he had been running. It didn't take long to arrive in the main lab, where he nodded at the people and pretended to look over some thing in the corner where the tools were kept. He was glad Radek wasn't around. Sneakily, he slid a small tool knife into his pocket. He snapped his head around to the others in the room in case they had seen him, however they were ignoring his presence. Rodney quickly, but not suspiciously, left the room and headed back to his own lab.

He returned to his seat in front of his computer, and noticed briefly that the simulation had failed. He hadn't expected much else, all the other simulations had failed … but that was just what happened in science. He lifted his sleeve up to the elbow and pulled the little knife from his pocket. Wasting no time, he ran the blade over the top of his left arm. It stung, but he did it quick enough for it not to linger too long. He'd grown comfortable with the practice, and was going deeper and deeper with his cuts. He only did a couple at a time since that was all he needed to feel the relief. He smiled a little to himself when he saw the blood well to the surface, feeling a little proud he'd come far enough to cause that much damage.

"Rodney?"

Rodney jumped at Radek's voice, and was filled with panic. He quickly pulled his sleeve down as he turned around to face his fellow scientist.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."  
"What do you want Radek?"

"I thought you might have been looking for me."  
"Why would I do that?" Rodney snapped, more just out of the panic still stirring in his gut at almost being caught self harming.

"I don't know, but the others in the lab said you came in and pretended to look about and left again so I thought that you might have wanted to speak to me?"

Rodney's mind, and heart, ran a million miles an hour. So his behaviour had been noted as suspicious, but he could get out of it all if he came up with a reason why he would need to speak to Radek.

"Uhhh…." Rodney vocalised, trying hard to breathe normally.

"Rodney are you alright?"

Radek had noticed the anxious behaviour… but at least he wasn't questioning Rodney's motives anymore. Instead of answering, Rodney shook his head slightly. He could feel the panic attack still rise up within him, and he wanted nothing more than to hide the little blade sitting beside his computer… but he knew that he shouldn't bring attention to it.

Radek moved forward and reached his arms out to gently pat Rodney on the back - he didn't really know what to do in these situations. He honestly hadn't believed Carson about just how much his fellow scientist was struggling with things, but standing there watching it happen was quite the eye opener. Rodney had initially flinched at Radek's touch, but found the contact soothing.

"It's alright Rodney, I won't tell anyone."  
Panic rose further… tell anyone? About the cutting? Did Radek notice? Rodney's mind was swimming, and he noticed he was becoming dizzy. He hadn't noticed himself hyperventilating.  
"Tell?" Rodney questioned.

"I don't know what's going on but it's ok to have rough times. I'm sure you're not the only one having trouble with anxiety given the kind of things we have to deal with. Do you want me to leave?"

Rodney nodded. Radek stepped away, but still had concern for his friend.  
"Thank you." Rodney uttered. He was relieved at least that Radek was only talking about anxiety. Radek smiled and nodded, and left. Rodney waited a moment before grabbing the blade, making sure it had no blood on it, and then put the cap back on and hid it in his drawer. Radek was right though… given the stresses he and a lot of people here were under, it would seem normal to have anxiety. He doubted resorting to self harm would be normal though.

Even with Zelenka gone, Rodney still felt tense.  
"Good time to try these I guess."

He took out the strip of pills from his jacket, and punched two into his palm. He swallowed them with a gulp of water, and sat there waiting to feel any different.

"Well these are useless." Rodney uttered after no more than a minute. He stood and began to walk out to the infirmary to complain. He knew it wasn't really Carson's fault, he was only trying to help, but he needed to vent out the emotions inside of him and right now, a loud complaining session appealed to Rodney to do the trick.

He hadn't gotten far, however, when he started feeling strange. It was like an invisible blanket descended down upon him, and he was being beckoned to sleep. His limbs felt heavy, and everything just seemed to be moving slower.

"Huhhh" Rodney exhaled, surprised at the sudden overwhelming feeling. It was then he noticed things were tilting sideways… he was falling over. But he couldn't find the strength in his muscles to correct himself, and so toppled to the floor.

"Ow." He muttered to himself. The pain receptors in his body still seemed to be working fine. Rodney tried to get up, but instead found himself flailing his limbs carelessly about. He just giggled at the predicament - he felt like a beached whale, unable to right himself. That thought just made him snigger more. He felt like his mind was clouded, but he couldn't notice how altered his state of mind was. He didn't even notice that there was now a group of scientists standing around him. He just felt… floaty. It was rather nice, he decided, once he got used to it.


	10. Comfort

"Rodney, I told you take ONE. One only!" Carson snapped, annoyed.

Rodney sighed, and looked away.

"I thought it was like paracetamol, Carson. One helps but two is better."

"No, these are powerful medications. We use this stuff as an anaesthetic even. The pills I gave you are normally taken in halves - it's more efficient to transport for us that way - and so effectively you took four times the recommended dose. I said one pill because I knew you would be needing something fairly strong. I didn't think you'd then take two of them after I told you explicitly ONE."

Rodney sunk into himself. He felt awful physically, like waking up with a hangover. But he also felt guilty, and ashamed, as well that he'd lost control… that others had seen him while he was only half there, and that he'd been half carried to the infirmary. He didn't have it in him to fight Carson. He felt so fragile inside… he honestly wanted to cry. He hadn't felt like that in a while, and he wasn't impressed it was happening now.  
"I'm sorry." Rodney muttered, barely audible.

Carson's anger subsided. He was more upset that Rodney had been so careless, not actually angry at him. The Scot then took a close look at the man sitting on the bed before him. He looked… pitiful. The spark of life that had been Rodney McKay was gone, and instead it was replaced with a tiring sorrow. His eyes looked sullen, his posture was sloppy, and he looked on the verge of tears… but trying to hide it, with the anxious eye movements and rapid breathing that meant he wanted to run and hide.

Carson sighed. He went up to Rodney and held him. He could feel the tense resistance of Rodney's body at first, but soon the muscles relaxed and Rodney leaned against him.  
"I'm sorry Carson." Rodney sniffled into the doctor's coat.

"I'm sorry too that I didn't explain. It's not really your fault. I'll give you the rest of the day off on medical leave. Is that ok?"  
Carson didn't hear anything, but instead felt the scientist nodding against his chest. Carson released his embrace and smiled.

"Big day tomorrow isn't it? Going off world with the team."

Rodney breathed deep and nodded.  
"Yeah. I'm going to go get some rest. Gotta be on the ball tomorrow."

"Good. I'll come by after I've finished my shift here."  
"Ok, great." Rodney nodded. "What er, what are you working on?"  
"I'm working more on that retrovirus."  
"Oh, that idea of getting rid of the bug part of a wraith?"  
"…Aye. I think I'm getting close, actually."  
Rodney's interest perked.  
"What, so you can actually do it? Turn a wraith into a human? Just like that?"  
"It's a little more complicated than that, but effectively, yes."

There was a little silence as Rodney nodded. Sometimes it seemed Carson was making much more progress scientifically than he was. It was things like this that made Rodney joke about medicine being more magic than science. He believe the term he'd used to annoy Carson was 'voodoo'. But if Rodney was being completely honest, he was amazed at Carson's skill and knowledge.

Realising there had been a sizeable silence, Rodney hopped off the bed and left the infirmary. He wandered down the hall, attempting to hide from everyone but appear normal at the same time. Eventually he reached his quarters, and just flopped down onto the bed.

 _Nothing goes my way lately._ He thought to himself, as he groaned. He was particularly not looking forward to tomorrow's mission. Hopefully it would be as boring as some of the botany reconnaissance missions had been. He felt a sudden twinge in his stomach at the thought of the last mission he went on. In all likelihood, it would end up being something like that instead. His eyes flickered over to the drawer he'd hidden his knife into.

He felt a little ashamed at how quickly he'd picked up the habit, but cutting was the only thing that really gave him any relief. He kind of liked it now, how it was so easy to show the pain inside when words just couldn't do it. Not that he could really talk to anyone about it anyway.

He sat up and grabbed his knife, and without hesitation quickly slid the blade over the usual place - his left forearm. He still hadn't tried the underside… up until now, he'd always thought of that just being attention seeking. But so far it felt like the other things he thought were attention seeking were actually helpful in a grim way, provided he didn't let anyone know. Curious, Rodney turned his arm over and cut down the soft skin over his wrist.

"Arg! Ow, ok that stings." Rodney exclaimed to himself. He decided that it hurt too much for the same result on the underside, and so he'd keep his usual place. Where once he was glad to see the tiniest dab of red appearing on his wounds, now he was never satisfied that enough damage was done. He was Rodney McKay, the damage causer, and so needed to have more than just scrapes on his arm to show it. He felt anger at himself well up inside him, and so he lashed out and struck his arm with the blade harder than he had before. Instantly, blood began to drip out and run down his arm. He just sat and stared at it for a while, half enjoying the expression of pain he could see, and half bewildered that he'd just done that.

Deciding that he was done for now, feeling the storm of emotions inside him calmed once again, he stood and went to the bathroom to clean the blood off himself. The deeper of the few cuts continued to bleed, and so he got out a dressing from the med kit. He took a deep breath. _Who knows, maybe there will be danger on the mission to take my mind off things._

After a few hours of Rodney typing away at his computer, Carson entered to check in.

"Hullo Rodney, good to see you're keeping busy."  
"Hm? Oh, yeah, just reading over some stuff. Typing up a paper and all." Rodney had tried at least to do that, but instead just found himself just wasting time browsing over things in the database.

"Mind if I stay a wee bit?" Carson asked as he seated himself on Rodney's couch.

"You're welcome anytime, Carson, you know that." Rodney said, closing his laptop and going over to join the doctor. Some comforting physical contact sounded pretty good to him right now.

"That's good. Radek is fine with what happened, by the way… he's not going to hold it against you. He just laughed when I told him and said it was typical of you. He told the team you had a bad reaction to an allergy pill."  
Rodney carefully crept up to be cuddling Carson, behaving like a large dog attempting to sneakily sit in a tiny space on the couch unnoticed.

"Zelenka lied for me?"  
"Yeah I guess he did… just a little white lie though. No harm done." Carson giggled, and embraced the scientist. "You feel up to going on the mission tomorrow?"  
"Of course."  
"Rodney, if something like what happened today occurs when you are just in your lab, I don't want you to push yourself by going offworld."

"Carson, it'll be fine. I don't want to let the team know anything's up. Besides, a change of scenery will be nice; distracting at the very least."

Carson conceded and just nodded, petting Rodney gently.

They then went and had dinner together in the mess, not really caring if people saw them. They were friends who shared meals all the time, so it should't appear to be suspicious. Rodney actually enjoyed the company, and the food. And his team didn't appear for the whole meal, so they got to eat just to themselves for once. Carson had to resist the urge to hold Rodney's hand as they left the mess and returned to Rodney's quarters. Once inside, however, Carson seized the opportunity to close the space between them and kiss Rodney gently. Rodney felt tingles running down his spine, causing goosebumps on his arms, as he responded to Carson's kiss.

 _I have so much good in my life, why do I still feel depressed?_ Rodney wondered as he looked into Carson's devoted eyes.

"What is it love?" Carson asked, seeing a change in Rodney's demeanour.

"Nothing. It's stupid."

"Hey." Carson exclaimed gently, and cupped Rodney's cheeks in his hand. "Nothing is stupid between us ok?"

"Alright." Rodney said, and sighed. He indicated for them to sit on the couch again. He then proceeded to talk about how he was so frustrated that he had good things in his life now he didn't have before - notably Carson - and yet he still felt worse than before. No matter what he did, he couldn't seem to get back to enjoying things as he did, he wanted nothing more than to be carefree and happy and just enjoy their time together but he was still just a mess. Carson was kind and listened to it all, petting Rodney softly as he spoke. He tried to tell the scientist that it wasn't his fault, that it was just something that came along with depression. That hating oneself for it only makes it worse. Rodney appreciated hearing the support, but wasn't sure how much he believed. Regardless of if it was part of the condition, he felt he should still have some control over it all.

"I'm not upset that you feel down, Rodney, when we're together. I know that's just how it is, and that you can both enjoy being with me and have depression… so don't worry, don't hate on yourself, and just focus on the moment." Carson said, and leaned in to kiss Rodney again.

"You're amazing and I don't know what I did to get you." Rodney said and kissed back. Carson didn't want to interrupt with a rebuttal, and so let it go and enjoyed the intimacy.

Rodney began to feel a deep energetic passion stirring in his gut. He became more forceful with his kisses, and began to slide his hand down Carson's shirt. Carson reciprocated, and tugged at Rodney's shirt to invite him closer. Rodney began to move to hover over Carson when he stopped dead, a wave of dread and panic washing over him. Carson looked about, wondering why his partner just froze. _The cuts._ Rodney could only think of one thing: the doctor before him seeing the self harm injuries. That was the opposite of what Rodney wanted, and would certainly kill any mood the removal of clothes would cause. But he was already half committed to the action - he had been the one to initiate…

"Love?"  
Rodney swallowed and moved back to his seat on the couch beside Carson.

"I'm sorry Carson." Rodney said, desperately trying to think of an explanation.

"It's alright, Rodney. You're clearly stressed about tomorrow, I understand."  
"Ah, yes. Tomorrow. That's it. I mean I want to, you know, but I can't get the feelings about the mission out of my head, and it puts a damper on things… you know?"  
Carson nodded, and kissed Rodney's forehead.

"I think the best thing for you is some rest. Do you want me to stay?"  
"No, it's ok, I kinda just want to get my head into the game as it were. I really am determined to go on the mission like old times."

Rodney felt bad for suddenly sending his boyfriend on his way, but he couldn't risk Carson catching a glimpse of his left arm. Carson understood, and got up to leave. Things were very confusing and muddled together for Rodney, and so he had to be patient. The last thing he wanted to do was force Rodney into something uncomfortable and make him regret it. He'd had experience with these kinds of emotions before in the past, and so had an understanding of what it was like for his partner right now.  
"I'll see you tomorrow, love. And don't worry… there's plenty of time for everything, and everything is fine." It was a bit general and corny, but Carson wanted to say it anyway.

"Thanks, Carson." Rodney said. Carson then left, and Rodney remained on the couch, head in his hands. Not only was he regretting making a move and then taking it back, but he was now also worrying about tomorrow.


	11. A Dangerous Mission

The mission had started fairly standard. Usual small (creepy) village, frightened townsfolk, and of course wraith. Rodney had found it interesting that while he sat there at the table, he wasn't afraid of the wraith lurking in the forest. He was on edge the first time he met Ellia, the teenage female wraith, but he wasn't afraid. Dangerous things just didn't scare him anymore - or so he had believed. He rather enjoyed having Carson come join him, and felt elated that something he found was of use to the doctor's research. Even when he had called out for Carson to hunt down the other wraith, he wasn't afraid. No, he felt more alive than he had in a while. So when they went out to look for Ellia, Rodney felt great. He chatted like normal, taking the danger in his stride - much to Carson's annoyance.

But then, at that moment Ellia turned on him, he felt the fear. He had been frozen, and it had been his beloved doctor to come to his rescue. Rodney knew it was a big thing for Carson to shoot anyone, and so was very grateful. He was more grateful when Ellia ran from them.

Rodney's heart was pounding and he couldn't breathe. He panicked, feeling for the marks on his chest that weren't there. Carson gave him a concerned look and patted his arm, knowing it would pass in a moment. Rodney decided then and there that death by wraith was never going to be an option he'd choose. Instantly, he whipped his head over to Carson, as if the Scot could hear his thoughts. Rodney couldn't believe he'd just thought about choosing a way to die. But there was no reaction. Rodney still stood there in somewhat shock, however this time over his own thoughts. He always believed that thinking suicidal thoughts was a horrible terrible thing to do, and would evoke awful consequences… but nothing happened. No one _knew_ what he was thinking, and Carson was obliviously making his way through forest floor. Rodney took a deep breath and felt comforted at the freedom he now knew he had with his thinking.

The pair had been walking for no more than ten minutes when they heard a shriek. Feeling renewed from the freedom of thought, Rodney's bravery sparked again. They both ran towards the noise, something the scientist usually made a point to avoid, and found the ageing man they had acquainted with. Carson went straight to helping him, Rodney taking on the leadership role and instructing the villagers. It didn't last long, however, as the rest of the team joined along with the townsfolk.

Rodney stared at the man, laying there dying, as he told his tale. He felt … something… when hearing how the wraith fed on him. Sympathy, perhaps? He felt useless, and submissive to his outgoing team members. So Rodney just stood there, listening. Thinking to himself. Grateful to have Carson around. Then the man, Zaddik, took a final breath. His body relaxed, and he was still. Carson radioed the team, and did what little he could do to help, but Rodney simply stared at Zaddik's face. It looked so … peaceful.

 _Well, blood aside._ Rodney thought to himself. _No more fear, or crippling sorrow. Just… nothing. Nothing sounds good about now._

Rodney hadn't realised how dark he'd become inside until he heard those words resounding in his mind. He swallowed hard, and his gaze flickered to Carson hoping again that he wouldn't notice his train of thought. A cold wave of sorrow overwhelmed him, and he shivered in an attempt to seem normal again.

They had found John, covered in blood, and Carson went into doctor mode. The colonel insisted he was alright, but Carson ignored him. Rodney huffed to himself that Carson was ignoring him too… then hated himself for thinking such a thing. Of course doctor Carson was going to look after the bleeding team mate. So Rodney tried to be himself - and whinged and complained about a splinter he realised he'd gotten in his hand. He couldn't quite tell if he was being over the top or not, but no one seemed to say anything different. They were all a bit preoccupied anyway.

Carson was all ready to patch up his friend, when suddenly he was perplexed. There was definitely a wound there… and yet, when he cleaned it, there had been none. His scientific brain was having trouble wrapping around the idea of vanishing wounds. And he didn't believe the colonel's insistence that there was no wound in the first place. Rodney continued to complain behind him, but Carson knew it was either overcompensation to cover up his anxieties, or just a cry for his attention. The man did tend to do both these days.

Carson asked questions to try gather more information, and didn't appreciate John's carelessness about it all. Conceding to just run some tests, he let the colonel go. He sighed and handed the blood to his team, and walked over to Rodney.

"Ah, so come to check on my wounds finally?"  
"There's no need for that Rodney." Carson responded in a dull tone. The scientist sunk into himself.

"Sorry. Your nurse fixed me up. I'm alright. I'll just get out of your way." Rodney responded in an equally dull tone.

"Hey, I didn't mean that love." Carson said, wrapping his arm around Rodney. "You did good today."

Rodney sheepishly looked up to meet the doctor's eyes.

"I tried."  
"You were a little off sometimes but that's to be expected. If you were hiding everything and trying to be normal I think you passed." Carson said with a wink. Rodney chuckled briefly.  
"More than you did it seems." Rodney responded. Carson let go of Rodney, and looked at him with a frown.  
"What do you mean by that?" Carson enquired. He had been his normal helpful self, right?  
"The retrovirus. It did the exact opposite of what you were trying to do. I wouldn't call that a pass." Rodney said, smiling, unaware of how hurtful the words were to Carson. He soon realised he'd said something wrong, however, when Carson's smile disappeared and he shied away.

Rodney was right, Carson had failed. He had worked so hard on the retrovirus and look at what happened: it had the opposite effect, causing the deaths of two people and endangering more… he and Rodney included. Carson sighed. It was his fault for giving Zaddik hope, maybe then Ellia wouldn't have taken it before it was ready.

"Carson… I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"  
"No, you didn't. But you're right… I failed."  
"Hey, you didn't say take the damn drug, did you? So how is it your fault? You weren't there, you didn't regulate it, you even said it's not ready. So don't beat yourself up about it ok?"  
"That doesn't sound very Rodney McKay."  
"Well, I've had a bit of help dealing with mistakes these past few weeks." Rodney responded, smiling in an attempt to make his boyfriend feel better. It seemed to work, as he smiled and leaned his head against Rodney.  
"You're right." Carson said, and kissed the top of Rodney's head.

"Now, off with ye, I have a bit of work to do with colonel Sheppard's tests. But I expect to see you at dinner?"

Rodney nodded and left the infirmary, rather grateful at the sudden invitation to leave. He was feeling a terrible wave of guilt wash over him for what he'd said to Carson about the retrovirus. Carson only ever tries so hard all the time to care for people, make things better for people… and here he was acting like the biggest jerk on the base telling him that he failed and caused all this suffering and death. As he shuffled back to his quarters, he couldn't help but wonder what was wrong with him. He at least knew the first thing he was going to grab when he got into his room.


	12. Bravery for Others

Carson joined Rodney at the end of the day, giving Rodney plenty of time to clean himself up and then get something together for dinner. It wasn't brilliant, but Rodney wasn't much of a cook. Not like Carson, at least. They both enjoyed the stir fry at least.

Rodney looked at Carson. He seemed exhausted, and a bit down.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Rodney asked. Carson looked at him and smiled.

"I know it wasn't my fault, but I was still the one that made the retrovirus, and I still told Zaddik about it which made Ellia take it. And now they're both dead. And now colonel Sheppard is in danger. He was infected with the retrovirus … and anything that happens to him is kinda my fault."

"He's infected? What's going to happen then?  
"I … I don't know. We ran the test three times, and I can't tell anything from it. We called him and explained the situation, but there wasn't a lot I could say of what to expect. I just hope it breaks down in his system."

Rodney didn't know what to say. He knew Carson took a lot of responsibility (and blame) onto his shoulders, so talking him out of feeling guilty probably wouldn't work.  
"You tried to help, like you always do. Anything that goes wrong is just something that happens. You try to fix it, you try to fix everyone affected. You shouldn't feel bad about being the great person that you are just because something you made went wrong, Carson. You weren't even pushing for it to be used in the first place… not like me."

Silence befell them both. Carson reached over and took Rodney's hand.  
"I guess we all fall down sometimes. I'm glad that at least we both can understand that and help each other."  
"I do what I can, Carson. I'm not … really, er… the the the best at this kind of thing but ahh…"  
Carson quietened the babbling scientist with a kiss. Rodney began to panic again slightly, worried where Carson was going with the kiss.

"It's alright love, relax. Why don't we just … cuddle?"

"Yeah, that'd be nice. Maybe on the bed though, it's a bit roomier."

The pair moved to the bed. Carson took off his jacket, and sat down on the mattress. Rodney was glad that he had prepared for such an event, and had put on a long sleeved top underneath his jacket. He joined his partner, and returned the kiss. He enjoyed the closeness with Carson, and hoped to calm down what he assumed was a turbulent sea of emotions swirling inside his doctor. Rodney shuffled closer so their bodies were pressed against each other, softly stroking down Carson's back as they kissed. The Scot's skin tingled at the touch, and he returned the favour by running a hand down Rodney's side.

Carson could feel himself relaxing. The tension in his muscles was fading and the churning in his gut stopped as he focused on the gentle touches Rodney was giving him, and the tantalising feeling of Rodney's lips pressed against his own. He could even feel a warmth growing in his chest and spreading out to other areas of his body. He sighed happily, and without realising, his kissing became more passionate.

Rodney felt a bit trapped. He could feel the panic of what was going to happen - Carson was seeming to relax, which was good, but a little too much perhaps… and possibly wanting to go further? Rodney didn't know how to escape this one: he hadn't intiated it this time, true, but Carson was going through stuff right now too and he wanted to be there for him to help comfort, but he felt like he shouldn't have to do things he was uncomfortable doing in order to support and comfort the doctor as well. But that said, he was getting really into the moment as well. There was so much conflict going on inside him, he couldn't think what to do so just kept going as he was.

Suddenly, Carson's radio went off. He sighed.

"Sorry, love." Carson said, stopping all the kisses and touches and instead answering his radio. A rush of relief washed over Rodney, having gotten an escape.  
"Yes colonel?" Carson spoke, looking at the wall.  
"Alright, I'll meet you in the infirmary. Beckett out." Carson tapped his radio, and looked at Rodney.

"I'm so sorry love, but I gotta go. That was colonel Sheppard, he needs to see me. I might be back, but I might not…"  
"No, hey, it's ok, it's your job. Look, don't worry about me, just go do what you need to and I'll see you tomorrow ok?" Rodney said, trying to smile sincere. He was sincere in not wanting to have sex tonight, but still wanted Carson around. He didn't realise how clingy he'd become to the man's attention. Carson returned the smile and kissed Rodney's forehead.

"Thanks love. Goodnight."

Carson grabbed his jacket and put it back on, and then left the room. Rodney curled up into a ball on the bed. He couldn't stop cutting himself, not now, and he didn't want anyone to find out - but he wanted to share intimate times with Carson.

"What am I going to do?" Rodney muffled to himself, and started to cry.

"What? Are.. are you serious?" Rodney asked, incredulous.

"We have no choice, Rodney. Without the Iratus bug stem cells, there's nothing we can do for colonel Sheppard. Now, I need your help to find everything in the Ancient database about the bugs so we have the best chance of saving him."  
Rodney was hesitant, but nodded. Carson needed him. John needed him too. And if he couldn't help out when he was needed … well, he might as well be dead.

Rodney brought up what he could find about the insects. There was quite a lot of research actually, more than he expected. Nothing that said how to reverse a human turning into a bug though. They took the information to Elizabeth, who was reluctant to say the least. Rodney said nothing while Carson and Lorne convinced her to approve the dangerous mission. It didn't take long, not with both of them arguing for it.

"I'm coming with you." Rodney said as they walked out.  
"I would have expected so." Lorne said, as he walked out to gear up. Carson looked at Rodney and patted him on the shoulder.

"That's good, love." Carson said, and indicated to follow Lorne down the corridor. Ronon and Teyla were already there, ready to go. Rodney froze and just nodded at them. He wasn't expecting to have to put up the brave façade quite this early. He quietly then began to gear up himself. Two more marines joined them, and before long, they were ready to head out.

It was a long walk, but eventually they found a cave. Rodney hadn't said too much on the walk there. He found it better to just avoid the potential of suspicious behaviour, and he felt too numb to try very hard. He was literally right beside Carson, but still felt lonely. He was empty inside, and couldn't feel anything for the danger they were walking into or the determination why they were doing it. It was much the same as when they were on the planet with Ellia and the other wraith - except he wasn't having a good time being out in danger.

Dread washed through him as he stared at the cave. The danger inside was very real, and he suddenly decided that death by Iratus bug wasn't going to be on his list of ways to die. Well, he didn't really have a list… but the idea was tempting. With the way he felt, he wouldn't mind having options. And he still felt glad that he could openly think like that without any negative consequences.

Rodney turned his collar upwards, afraid of getting bitten.

"You don't honestly expect that to help, do you?" Carson sniped to him.

"Yeah, well, when they see your neck before mine you won't think it's so stupid!" Rodney snapped back, meaning it playfully… but it might have come across as snarky.

Before they knew it, there were bugs everywhere. Hundreds. The pit of Rodney's stomach dropped, and Carson gulped.

"Good god… I think this is it." Carson spoke, skin crawling.

"So how do we want to play this?" Lorne asked.

"They'll defend their young." Ronon piped up, and Rodney suddenly had an idea.

"Maybe if we create a diversion?" Rodney said, and sunk into himself when he saw the team turn to him.  
"Are you volunteering?" Lorne asked, and Rodney quickly shook his head.

"I'll shut up." he said quickly, and resolved to remain quiet again.

Of course they didn't want his input. The emptiness inside was quickly replaced with anxiety and a deep sorrow of rejection. He just watched as Carson bravely held his collecting stick, and doused the ground with saltwater. He saw Carson lifting up his collar, and suddenly felt annoyed at the previous poking fun the doctor did before.  
"See? Not so stupid!"

Carson mubled for Rodney to shut up, and continued trying to collect the eggs. He was working very hard to suppress the panic building in his chest over what he was doing. Rodney held his breath as he watched his boyfriend get closer and closer to the eggs… when suddenly Ronon fired his gun, and then there was gunfire all around.

"Carson, run!" Teyla shouted, and Carson didn't need to be told twice. He dashed back to the group, and grabbed a hold of Rodney's arm to drag him towards the entrance. Rodney ran with him, and was followed by Ronon, Telya, and Lorne. Gunfire still echoed through the tunnel, and Lorne shouted for his men to follow. A gruelling scream answered, and everyone suddenly knew the other men's fate. Carson's stomach dropped when he realised the other men weren't coming, and then was stunned by the sudden grenade explosion.

They had failed. Carson knew he had failed, again. He didn't want to just abandon the search, he didn't want the deaths to be for nothing… but Lorne was right. Unless they had another way to get the eggs, the mission was scrubbed. They walked off, Rodney being the first to follow Lorne, but Carson was hesitant for a moment. He had been so sure they could do it. Sighing to himself, he joined the others back to Atlantis.


	13. A Rescue

Carson sat next to Rodney and hung his head in his hands.

"I couldn't do it Rodney. I thought I could fix this… but I don't know what to do. This is all my fault and there's nothing I can bloody do without those stem cells!"

Rodney rubbed circles on Carson's back. He knew the doctor would take the mission failure hard. He was sure Carson also blamed himself for the two marine's deaths. It wasn't directly his fault, Rodney knew that at least, not like with Collins… but Carson wouldn't care. The whole situation was his fault, and so any deaths would also be his fault.

"It's not your fault, Carson." Rodney all but whispered. He held Carson close.

"I had to tell Elizabeth that there wasn't anything I could do, not without the eggs. And that we couldn't go again."  
Rodney nodded.  
"We'll work it out somehow." Rodney said, and could even hear the uncertainty in his voice. They both knew there was only one way to fix the problem.  
"I'll do whatever I can to help you, Carson, but don't give up." Rodney tried to support Carson again, with more success this time.

"Thank you."

Suddenly, Dr Weir called out a security breach in Sheppard's quarters. They both sat upright and looked at each other, and ran to the control room.

Rodney brought up the colonel on the life signs detector. As the orders were issued, Rodney just awkwardly stared at the screen… hoping not to be called into action. Thankfully, he was asked to lock down the Stargate and remain in mission control with the computer. It was where he felt more comfortable. He snapped at Cadwell's stupid remarks, and reported on the activity he saw occurring on the life signs detector… far separated from the danger and possibility of letting people down. Far sooner than expected, Ronon reported he'd captured John and was requesting Carson to come down to him. Honestly, Rodney didn't want Carson to go - but there would be little use stopping him. Instead, he went to the infirmary to meet them when they brought Sheppard in.

Carson stood looking at the colonel with worried eyes. He explained to Elizabeth and Cadwell that he only had 24 hours left to save him. He felt both defeated and determined at the same time. His body was flooded with adrenaline, but his mind told him it was pointless. There just was no other way than the stem cells plan that would work. Elizabeth left to go talk to Ronon and Teyla who had joined Rodney waiting outside the infirmary, and so Cadwell left as well to the gateroom. Carson hung his head and went to the computer, trying to think of some other way to help.

Elizabeth approached the rest of the team. Rodney tried to distract himself from the reality with food, and it also was proving a good means of avoiding conversation with the others. He was scared for John, but deep down he had confidence in Carson. But once Elizabeth mentioned saying goodbye… Rodney couldn't believe it.

"Are we really there?" He asked.

"I think we might be." She responded, and Rodney could tell by her demeanour that she was serious. Rodney's muscles tensed. He didn't want to lose his friend, and he didn't want to see what became of Carson if he failed to save John.

Before he could think too much, Carson radioed Elizabeth and then they were all walking to her office to meet up with the doctor… _perhaps there was hope after all_? Carson was there waiting for them at the stairs of gateroom control, and began to splutter out his plan immediately. Rodney listened intently, and realised that there was indeed hope.

"wow wow wow wow I see where you're going. If we could artificially create the pheromone, we might be able to confuse them enough to leave us alone." He said, excitement peaking and cutting Carson off.

"Aye, that would work." Carson said, not particularly enjoying being interrupted.  
"Well that's an excellent plan Carson!"  
"I wish it was…" Carson said. Surprisingly, it was Ronon who pointed out the obvious.

"You can't do that in time?"  
"No, it'd take days." Carson responded. If he'd just be left to finish his sentence, he would have avoided all this…

"You said Sheppard only had 24 hours before the damage the retrovirus was causing would be irreparable…" Weir chimed in.

"Well that's a terrible plan Carson!" Rodney said, with the same inflection just to mock him. Choosing to just ignore him, Carson continued.

"There's only one person on this base that wouldn't need the artificial pheromone…" Carson concluded, the team understanding what he meant.

"Sheppard?" Weir exclaimed, Rodney sharing her bewilderment.

"He can walk right into those caves and those bugs won't pay him any mind."

"Um, I'm not sure if you noticed or not, but colonel Sheppard's not feeling that well." Rodney said, realising that it came across as more snarky than he intended. He just was trying to help… except he wasn't really sure how to do that anymore, he was too turbulent inside to make out what he was feeling let alone thinking. This whole situation was very stressful, and all Rodney could think of was having a quiet alone time in his quarters with the knife. Suddenly he realised the conversation was still going, and heard that Carson's plan was in give the colonel a massive dose of inhibitor. Helpful or not, he felt obliged to point it out.

"'K, but won't giving him that much inhibitor like…"  
"Kill him? Yes, that's a definite possibility. Even if I knew it were for certain, I'd be tempted to give him one last out with lucidity."  
"Do it. Gear up, and take him as far as the cave." Weir concluded, time being an issue. Rodney really didn't want to go back, but if it would help save Sheppard then he would do it.


	14. Back to the Usual

The inhibitor worked, and amazingly the colonel managed to collect enough eggs for Carson to complete the gene therapy. The team hadn't really noticed Rodney's strange behaviour while on the mission at least. The ordeal had really taken it out of Carson… he was utterly exhausted. Rodney wasn't sure just how much sleep he'd gotten over the course of the past few days, but it couldn't have been very much. He regretted acting so brash with him while waiting in the infirmary with the others, but he needed to keep up appearances. The look he got at the time made him know Carson didn't really take it to heart at least.

Rodney looked at the list on his laptop before him, thinking. _If Carson got that worn down caring for John … I don't want to do that to him as well._ This caused Rodney to cross out two of the items on this list. He wasn't really sure about those anyway. Sure, he was proficient at cutting himself now, but he'd still avoided the underside of his wrists because of the pain… so he wasn't even sure he'd even be able to kill himself with cutting. As for jumping off the balcony… he might be able to do it, but he didn't like the thought of Carson having to see him like that, potentially inside out and spread across a few square metres. He loved the doctor, and couldn't bring himself to cause just that much trauma.

Rodney shoved the laptop away from him and hit the desk below in frustration. _Why, WHY did I get involved with Carson? I'm a terrible person… make the man I love care for me more, so that when I die he hurts more!_ Rodney shouted at himself. He punched the table again, and stood to get his knife. He deserved to be punished, he felt. Here he was thinking about committing suicide, and he had a boyfriend who cared about him who would be devastated. Then came another of his disturbing thoughts. _Why does it matter? You won't care, you'll be dead._ He swallowed and looked about… it was cruel, but true. No matter what he did, or what hurt he caused if he went through with it… he didn't have to worry because he wouldn't care when he was dead.

He grabbed the knife and sat on the bed, and sliced twice on his arm. The skin was riddled with cuts all at different points of healing. His first one was barely visible anymore, but his more recent ones had just crusted over. The two he just made were deep and bled quite a bit, but instead of cleaning it up, he breathed deep and closed his eyes. _Do I want to be dead?_ The question had to be asked. He could reason yes or no, but ultimately, it came down to how he felt. _Do I WANT to be alive, or want it all over?_ He was inherently afraid of dying, but strangely the thought of his own death by his choice didn't scare him. Maybe it was the control he had of when and how? Given the situations he finds himself in, he could easily be killed in a number of slow and painful ways. _I'll try for least painful or quickest, if I decide._

Rodney opened his eyes to see the bleeding had stopped, leaving a trail of blood dripping off both sides of his arm and down onto his pants. He cursed himself for being so careless. He didn't have a lot of pants to begin with, and now he had to work out how to get blood out of clothing. Given what the teams on the base go through, he was sure someone at least knew how. The only problem was saying how the blood got there in the first place. He took them off and threw them against the wall, and huffed. He glanced at the time, and decided he had better get himself cleaned up and ready for dinner at Carson's.

Rodney sat at the table, not conversing much. But really, there wasn't a whole lot to say. He just felt like crap, and Carson was obviously exhausted. Once, Carson's head lolled in sleepiness while he was putting the fork to his mouth, and so got sauce all over the side of his face and up his nose. Rodney chuckled at that, but couldn't remain happy for long. Carson had snorted awake, and smeared the tomato sauce across the side of his face. It was equally as funny to watch him try get the sauce out of his nose… which was why Rodney didn't attempt to help, but instead rested his head on his hand and smiled at Carson.

"I'm sorry I'm not much to talk to, love." Carson said as he cleaned up the dishes. Rodney helped (drying of course).

"It's fine. I don't have much to say either. But I'm proud of you."  
"Thank you dear." Carson said, pulling the plug out of the sink.

"No I'm serious. You came through for him, and you fixed a mistake that wasn't even your fault."

Carson gave an exhausted stare into Rodney's eyes, and then hugged him.

"I'm just glad everything is going to be ok. It was really looking like it wasn't for a bit there."

"Yeah. I had faith in you though. When Elizabeth told us to say goodbye… I almost couldn't believe it. I didn't have to for long though, you called with a solution like a minute afterwards."

Carson didn't say anything, just embraced Rodney. They both enjoyed just feeling close to the other, and so stayed standing there for a minute or so. Eventually, Carson spoke softly.

"I feel like I'm going to fall asleep before I hit the mattress."

"I think you should do that. I'll see you tomorrow ok Carson? Thanks for dinner." Rodney responded, and gave him a kiss before leaving back to his own quarters.


	15. Caught

Rodney sniffled, trying to keep the tears back. He felt so sad, but hated why. Carson hadn't checked up on him, hadn't said anything to him about how he's feeling, and hadn't been around much at all for the past 24 hours. Rodney knew why, he was utterly exhausted after everything that happened with Sheppard. But that didn't stop his feelings from raging. Knowing Carson was just tired didn't stop him feeling rejected and unwanted. And the conflict between feeling bad, and hating himself for being so selfish as to feel bad given the reasons, was making him feel worse. He didn't dare take another of the pills he'd been given to calm himself down. Not when he was in his lab and the team was just in the next room. After what happened last time, Rodney wasn't sure if he had the guts to try it again.

Then on top of everything, Rodney was still exhausted himself from not sleeping and worrying about John. He couldn't focus on anything that was in front of him from exhaustion alone, without even considering his internal conflict that was paralysing him. He found his fingers running over the surface of his knife, feeling the soft texture of the handle. He could feel the urge to use it, to stop the emotional and confusing turmoil within himself and focus on that single stinging feeling, look only at the blood. That clarity was so very tempting. But he was at work, in his office, and anyone could walk in.

Speaking of, Radek just entered his lab.

"Rodney, we're all going to the mess for lunch."  
"Ok, I'm not hungry. Err… just ate." Rodney said, covering up any reason for suspicion.  
"Right." Radek said, and nodded, before leaving. Rodney waited until the shuffling sounds stopped echoing down the corridor and there was silence before grasping his knife in his hand. He pulled up his sleeve revealing his left forearm, laden with cuts, and struck down upon it. He was quick and efficient. He made only two cuts before stopping to watch the blood flow. The turmoil inside calmed, and there remained only the depressive sadness that lingered constantly. He briefly wondered to himself how long he could keep this up before they found him, or he broke down completely… or even perhaps made a mistake and needed medical attention. There was a twang of panic in his gut at the thought of being shipped back to Earth, but he quenched it with another quick blow to his arm - this time the underside, but not at the wrist, causing a lot more sting.

Rodney just sat there, and closed his eyes. He tried to just focus on the pain and the relief it brought him. No other thoughts. Just here, now, and the pain.

"My god, Rodney!"

Rodney froze, an icy chill drenching him. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't move, he couldn't even open his eyes to glance over to where he heard Zelenka's voice. He was utterly immobile in the moments before panic settled into his chest. There was no hiding what was happening, no explaination that would get him out of it. Conceding he'd lost the battle for peace and freedom already, he sighed and grumbled back to Radek in an unusually dark voice.

"What do you want, Radek?"

Rodney lowered his head and frowned, and then opened his eyes and flickered them over to the doorway. If he hadn't been sitting there bleeding from his arm, he might have looked dangerous.

"What the hell are you doing?" Radek exclaimed. Rodney grumble-snorted.

"I would have thought that obvious. Now why are you here?"

"I… I wanted to see if you wanted to join us at the mess. Company and all…" Radek mumbled, unable to take his eyes off Rodney's bleeding arm. He didn't know what to do - Rodney seemed to be keeping it together a lot more than he actually was, it seemed. Did he call Carson in to help?

"No." Rodney growled, and turned his head towards Zelenka. "I don't want anyone."

"Oh."

"So leave."

"No, I can't do that Rodney." Radek said, his voice faltering slightly. He knew he couldn't just leave Rodney in this state. He cared for the man, and wasn't about to let him torture himself any more than he already had.

Rodney sighed. He hadn't been able to scare Zelenka away. He closed his eyes, and suddenly looked defeated.

"You're going to tell Carson, aren't you." It wasn't a question, but a resigned statement.

"He doesn't know?" Radek asked, but it was actually more a statement as well. If Carson knew, the wounds Radek could see in various stages of healing would have been bandaged up and cared for. It was seeming more and more like he was the only one aware of Rodney's habit, and was left wondering if that made it his responsibility to report. On the one hand, it was his chief scientist. On the other, it was a good friend. Could he do right by both accounts?

"No. And I don't want him to know." Rodney responded.

"Why not?"  
"Because it would only scare him. He's really sensitive, and I don't want to worry him."

"He's a doctor, Rodney, if there is anyone qualified to deal with this it's him."  
"Doesn't stop him being sensitive, and that definitely gives him the power to control me." Rodney said, unsure exactly why he was explaining himself to Radek. It felt rather nice, if he was honest, that he could just talk and not care who heard what.

"You mean you're afraid he'll confine you to the infirmary?"  
"Yes, and then the base would find out, and then I'd be shipped off back to Earth and replaced."

"Rodney…"  
"No, that's what will happen." Rodney stated determinedly, and so Radek knew better than to argue.

"We don't know what would happen. But I doubt they'd just ship you away… they need you here."

Rodney sunk into himself, wrapping himself in his arms - blood or not.

"They haven't needed me since Doranda. Isn't it obvious? They don't trust me, they don't want me. I don't want them to get an excuse to get rid of me… my whole life is here."

"Alright, alright… I don't think that that's true, but that's not the issue here Rodney." Radek said, and walked in closer to Rodney now he wasn't afraid that he'd lash at himself again. In fact, the scientist looked more like he was going to cry.

"I … I've been hiding it for so long, and I've almost been caught a few times… but I am just so afraid of Carson finding out." Rodney pleaded, hoping Radek would feel for him and not run to tell the doctor. Radek pulled up a seat and sat in front of Rodney.

"Rodney, I care about you a lot. Dr Beckett has a right to know, since this is causing damage to you. If you don't tell him I think that I will have to. I want to keep your trust, Rodney, but not at a cost to your health."

"I'll tell him." Rodney said after a moment. If it was going to be him or Zelenka, perhaps he could get away with more time or not telling at all if Radek thought he was going to do it.

"Rodney, I'm one of your best friends. I will be able to tell if you don't."

"Not that I won't, but I doubt that you could. I mean you don't really know much about me."  
"I think that maybe I do. I know you and Carson are dating, or however you want to put it. I know you're struggling with things that I can't help much with. You like things to be clear, concise, problem and solution type of situations. Having an emotional problem is no doubt rather difficult for you. And I know you're afraid to ask for help. But listen to me Rodney, you can come to me for help. So ok, I won't say anything to Carson for now, but you have to soon or I will anyway. In the mean time, please, Rodney, if you feel like you need to do this… call me first. I won't be angry or upset with you regardless of what you say, and even if you end up … you know… anyway, at least you've come for some help first. Do we have an understanding?"

Rodney thought a moment at Radek's proposal, ignoring the fact he knew about his relationship with Carson. Seemed like his choice was be ratted out now, or try tell Carson before being ratted out later. But 'later' meant he had to talk to Zelenka. 'Now' could mean he'd be dragged from his office and the whole base made aware of what was going on, whereas later he could convince Carson to keep it quiet.

"Alright. Yes. I'll tell Carson soon and come to you in the mean time." Rodney said, begrudgingly. Radek smiled and patted Rodney on the shoulder.

"You should take care of that now." Radek said, his head nodding in the direction of Rodney's bloodied arm. Radek really wanted to take the knife off him, but knew that there was a thousand other places around here to get a knife so there was little point. At least Rodney would contact him if he had the urge to do it again. He hoped, at least.


	16. Decision

_Sorry for the delay! Hopefully now I will have more time to write, now I'm settled into the new place for a few months. Thanks for all the reviews, they really motivate me to keep writing!_

Rodney threw his jacket at the wall the moment he was in his quarters. He'd gone too far, gotten too comfortable. He just couldn't handle it anymore. He strode into the room and headed for his stash of alcohol. He had a couple of bottles of wine that he'd been saving, and a bottle of scotch. Not wanting to waste the wine, he grabbed the scotch. Normally he'd just take sips of a single glass over the course of an evening, but not tonight. He wrenched open the bottle and took a big swig. He stifled the choke that came from the burning liquid and managed to keep it all down.

"I can't deal with this." Rodney spoke to himself. He sat down at the table in front of his laptop, and forced another large mouthful of amber liquid down before settling the bottle down on the table. He pulled up a file on his computer. Just a simple text file, labeled "ideas", and so would be inconspicuous to anyone looking about his things. Yes, he was always paranoid about that. The list appeared before him, all but two of the options crossed out.  
"Time to make a bloody decision, McKay."

Rodney carefully considered the two words: electrocution, and overdose. Electrocution sounded like it could be rather painful, but if done right probably wouldn't hurt for very long. Overdose was rather lengthy, but if he got the right stuff he might not even be conscious for the dying part. He had a lot of experience with technology, and probably could build something to electrocute himself fairly easily. But it just didn't feel right. Sure, he would be killed by his work… but he didn't want to chose what he devoted his life to… to be the end of his life. Then he remembered the blister of pills Carson gave him.

Rodney pulled them out and inspected them. They didn't have much information with them, just "benzodiazepine as Diazepam 20mg". He'd taken two, and been kind of knocked out for a little. Taking more would probably knock him out entirely, as Carson said they were used as, or at least part of, anaesthetic. He had a suspicion that just taking a large dose, such as the remaining 6 pills, wouldn't kill him. He would need a bit more than what he had. That could prove difficult - however dating the CMO would come in handy there no doubt. Carson had the key on him at all times, and could easily be swiped for a little. He still wasn't sure that it would be enough though. Drugs like that tended to be reasonably safe.

He took another swig of the scotch bottle. Then it occurred to him: these drugs were depressants, and since alcohol was also a depressant, they probably were dangerous to take together. Well, he knew that generally most drugs shouldn't be mixed with alcohol because of changes in the effects. Seemed to be a reasonable enough plan. He crossed off 'electrocution' and circled 'overdose'. He nodded to himself, glad that he had a plan now, and closed the laptop.

If he was honest with himself, he wasn't really sure when exactly he had decided that he was actually seriously considering suicide. Just that he was now. _Maybe no one really just decides? Maybe it just gets to a point when it doesn't seem like a bad option anymore?_

He drank another mouthful, feeling himself getting drunk.

"I think I'll go out on the balcony."

He opened the door, and sat on the floor with his back against the glass, facing the city. The lights sparkled in the night, especially with the shimmering reflections on the water.

"This is my home." Rodney spoke softly. _If I'm to die, I want it to be here._ He felt a resolution within himself, and something that could only be described as relief. Was it because he felt like the end was soon, and then all the suffering would be over? Or was it the alcohol dulling his mind? Rodney shook his head. It didn't matter. He was comfortable with dying. There were so many ways he could die, on so many pointless planets or aboard wraith cruisers scattered about the galaxy… it was comforting to know his end would be here, where he was once the great Doctor Rodney McKay.

Carson was doing the late shift, since he'd wanted to stay in bed a bit longer. No one minded, in fact they had all assumed he'd take the whole day off. But the Scot was insistent, and being in command meant that no one could really tell him no. Carson was still tired, but he felt most comfortable being in the infirmary, ready to help if needed. He was even more glad to be back at work when he glanced Radek approaching him.

"Evening, Radek."  
"Good evening, Carson. They have you on the night shift?"  
"No, just until 22:00. Wanted to sleep a little extra."  
Radek nodded. He _really_ wanted to tell the doctor about Rodney's self harming, but he'd said that he wouldn't yet… and he was a man of his word. But he still had to say something, at least, to get the idea across that something wasn't right. Rodney probably wasn't handling being caught very well, and to be honest, Radek was worried what he was doing now. He'd kept a close eye on him for the remainder of the day, but he could hardly follow the man back into his quarters.

"I just wanted to talk to you a little about Rodney." Radek said, trying not to sound too worried. He sat on the chair that was beside Carson.

"What's wrong?" Carson asked, his mind jumping to all kinds of conclusions.

"Oh, just … today he seemed really down. He tries to hide it a lot but I came in on him when he thought we'd gone, and he looked really awful. I just wanted to tell you so maybe you can check in on him."

"I will, thank you Radek."  
"Have you…er… noticed anything like that about him? I mean more than just being down?" Radek asked, trying to see if Carson knew already about the cutting or even that Rodney was down enough to do that.  
"To be honest I have been so busy lately. He's seemed alright, and while I thought that maybe he was just showing me what I wanted to see so I wouldn't be distracted… I hadn't really had the time to look closer into it. I feel pretty terrible about it." Carson said, digging the palms of his hands into his eyes. Radek felt guilty for bringing it up now, but at the same time knew it couldn't wait.

"Try not to blame yourself, Carson. But just as a friend, I would recommend you go see him sooner rather than later. I think he really needs you right now."  
"You think it's that serious?" Carson asked, brow furrowing.

"Um, I can't say for sure what's going on but I have a feeling that he shouldn't be alone right now. And I think it better for his partner to be there than me."

"How?"  
"Oh it's pretty obvious Carson. But don't worry, I doubt you'd bother - or even surprise - anyone here in Atlantis." Radek said with a knowing smile. Carson was a bit unnerved by the information both about Rodney and about his supposedly secret relationship with the man.

"Thank you Radek. I'll go see him shortly, I should probably end my shift early here."

Radek stood and nodded, thanking Carson, and then left again. The doctor really appreciated him coming in and telling him about Rodney, especially since he'd been so busy that he hadn't had a chance to check in on him himself.

Carson went and informed his staff he was leaving early, again receiving no comments asking why (sometimes it's good to be the boss, he thought). Radek didn't tend to overreact, so his comments had left Carson rather concerned. Did something happen in the work day? The doctor quickened his pace for Rodney's room. He couldn't help the tension rise inside his chest as he worked himself up with various 'what if' scenarios.

When he got to Rodney's place, he rang the 'doorbell'. He could let himself in already, being permitted by Rodney and also have a medical override, but didn't want to barge in. He didn't hear a response, and so entered of his own accord. All the rooms were dark, and only illuminated from Carson's presence.

"Rodney?" he called out, eyes searching for the scientist. It didn't take long to find him - he was sitting on the ground on the balcony with his back against the glass that faced Carson standing in the doorway. Rodney didn't make a move to see who was in his quarters now that the place had lights on again. Carson walked out to join him.


	17. Reveal

"Rodney? What's going on?" Carson asked, seeing the scientist intoxicated and loosely grasping a half empty scotch bottle. Rodney slowly looked up to meet the scot's blue eyes.

"Hey, Carssss'n" Rodney slurred. Carson chose to sit down beside him.

"Rodney, love… why?"

Rodney looked incredibly sad, the alcohol removing his façade to reveal the emotions as he was feeling them.  
"Becausssse I want to." Rodney responded. He went to drink again from the bottle, but Carson stopped him by grabbing the hand that held the bottle. He tried to gently remove said bottle from Rodney, but the scientist kept his grip.  
"You've had plenty, Rodney. Now give me the bottle."

Rodney pouted, but released his grip. Carson took it quickly, and put it on his other side out of Rodney's reach.

"This happened when you got back from Doranda… did something else happen today?"

Rodney's sullen eyes, which looked half glazed over, continued to stare right into Carson's. The doctor in Carson was worried medically for Rodney, since he seemed to be unable to focus on what was being said to him. But he wanted to be a supportive boyfriend first, and then the caring doctor.

"Sssomethin' did." Rodney uttered. He was torn between being open and honest now with Carson, or keeping it in and finding another time to bring it up. Not realising he was talking aloud, Rodney considered the options.

"On the one hand, I … I could ssay it now, but later…later I gotta brin' it up again 'n I no wanna do that causssse that'sss awkward. But ssayin' it now wouldn't be sso good either, cause I'd get'n trouble with Carsss'n."

Carson's interest peaked at the idea that something happened that he would scold Rodney for, but it concerned him that Rodney was talking as if he wasn't here… like he was thinking, but not realising it was vocally. He began to wonder how much of the bottle Rodney had actually drunk, hoping it wasn't full when he started.

"You can tell me, Rodney."

"Noo, I HAVE to tell you, cause if… if I don't, then Zzzzelenka will. Either way, isss all over."

"What's over?"  
"Thiss…everything. My life." Rodney snapped, annoyed, and threw his arms out to make the point.

Carson was growing concerned. Rodney had confided in him the feeling of wishing he wasn't alive anymore last time he'd gotten drunk. Now it was sounding like suicide was getting more of a serious possibility.

"Rodney, are you telling me you are going to die when you tell me what happened?"  
"Noo, no tha's ssilly. I'm not gonna die righ' now. I gotta tell you though the thing though." Rodney responded, much to Carson's relief.

"Then what do you mean by your life ending?"

Rodney sighed and looked up at the lights of the city.

"This." He said, waving his hands up to the buildings before him. "Atlantis. I don't wanna be sent away. This my home, this where my life isss. When you know the sssecret, you'll all get rid of me."

Rodney slumped into himself and hid his face with his hands. Carson was still rather confused, but at least Rodney having done something, like a mistake, that would make him think the team would ship him away was better than Rodney going to commit suicide.

"I promise I'll do everything in my power to not let anyone send you away." Carson spoke softly. Rodney looked pained, but then sighed.

"Alright." He sighed, and then pulled his sleeve up.

Even in the dim light Carson could see a multitude of cuts atop of Rodney's forearm, most running horizontal but some scattered in different directions which made the overall impression appear very chaotic.  
"Good lord." Carson uttered to himself. He'd had no idea. He inspected closer, and could see some were recent but some were quite old… which stabbed him in the gut with guilt. This had been happening for quite a while, and he had been oblivious. Why hadn't Rodney come to him? Did Rodney just not trust him enough?

While Carson sat there in shock, Rodney started to cry. Carson pulled him close and held him, stroking his back. Everything just seemed to be falling apart around him, and being a doctor, he wanted to fix it all. He really didn't know what to do now, however. Self harm, especially to this degree, was rather serious. He couldn't keep this between themselves anymore. Rodney would hate it, and his fears of being shipped away were actually rather founded. Carson maintained, though, that Atlantis was still the best place for him. Carson took a deep breath to strengthen his resolve. Right now, he needed to help Rodney. And that meant all the feelings of guilt stirring up inside him had to be put aside.

"Come on Rodney, I need to take you to the infirmary."

"Wha? No no no no no no, I don't wanna go. I wanna stay here. The people there… no, I gotta ssstay here away from them."

"No Rodney. You have to do as you're told right now. I'm going to take care of you." Carson stated, and began to help Rodney to his feet while standing himself. Rodney didn't have much fight left in him, and so followed Carson out of his quarters and to the infirmary.

The medical staff asked many questions, all of which Carson ignored. He put Rodney in a bed close to his office, put in an IV drip, and grabbed some kit and a seat beside Rodney to look over his arm. Rodney uttered things under his breath, not really aware of what was happening to him. Carson didn't respond to him either. He was too overwhelmed to respond correctly. Instead, he focused entirely on his job; the simple task of cleaning Rodney's wounds. They weren't serious in themselves compared with the things he had to deal with often; only a few of the recent ones were significantly deep. Still, he swabbed them with disinfectant, some blood smearing over the gauze from the ones that had only just sealed shut. Carson knew that they would probably be fine to leave open to heal, but deep down he didn't really want to look at them… and so he bandaged up practically all of Rodney's forearm.

By the time he'd finished, Rodney had fallen asleep.

"You daft bugger. Why couldn't you just talk to me?" Carson whispered to the still form. He patted his boyfriend a few times on the shoulder, and then left to fill out the paperwork. He knew he should really go to sleep himself… no doubt the morning would prove challenging for them both. He sighed to himself, and them went to inform the doctor in charge of the night shift.


	18. Explanations

"Carson I'm sorry." Rodney pleaded.

"I don't want you be sorry, love, I want you to be safe." Carson responded calmly.

"Carson, let me go!" Rodney shouted, insistent on leaving the infirmary before his team and Elizabeth came. He couldn't believe that this was the outcome of him being open with Carson. He felt betrayed, almost. Intellectually he knew that Carson was just following his obligations, but emotionally he did feel like Carson was ignoring his feelings and just making his life miserable on purpose. He was trapped, and felt so panicked from having lost any control of the situation. He could feel his muscles shaking, his heart pounding in his chest… he just wanted to get out of there.

"Rodney, I'm very worried about you. You made yourself quite sick last night with the alcohol, and those cuts were getting dangerously deep. You also have been doing that for a while now, and didn't say anything to me!" Carson tried to keep himself level, but the emotional hurt bled through.

"I couldn't! Not cause I can't talk to you, but cause you'll tell everyone else! Which you did! So you see why I couldn't tell you?" Rodney huffed, eyeing out the exits. He knew the others would be there soon.  
"Rodney, how can I help if you keep it all to yourself and just pretend things are going better than they are?" Carson asked, exasperated.

"How do you expect me to do anything other than pretend? I'm expected to be perfectly fine all the time!" Rodney snapped back, and froze when he heard voices approaching. Carson eyed him carefully, wondering what was going through the scientist's mind. He then heard Sheppard's voice echoing through the infirmary and understood. He turned to go greet Rodney's team, but before he'd taken a step, Rodney bolted.

Carson barked commands to his team, who caught Rodney within moments. He shouted, writhed, and collapsed to the ground sobbing. This concerned Carson even more - Rodney usually didn't behave in this manner, or even consider it.  
"Sedate him and put him in the bed over there." Carson instructed his team. He then went to meet with Sheppard and Elizabeth, intending to keep them away from Rodney for the time being. It was all clearly very stressful, and he wanted to reduce that stress as much as possible for his boyfriend. Before he moved around the corner, he took a deep breath. It was difficult to remain objective.

"Hullo, I would like you to come this way and talk if that's alright. I don't think it's in Rodney's best interests to have anyone see him right at this moment." Carson said professionally, and moved his arm outwards to get the group of people to move to the waiting room.

"Surely it's fine." John said, and shifted to move further into the infirmary.

"I assure you colonel, it's not. He's just been sedated and so might not even be conscious. Now, please come with me." Carson responded, and began to shuffle the team out into the waiting room.

No one could question the doctor's authority, and so simply followed and took seats for themselves. Ronon looked confused, but not unkind. Teyla seemed to be concerned, much like Elizabeth. John, however, just looked annoyed.

"Now, I don't know what you've heard…" Carson began, but then was interrupted.

"That Rodney's gone too far with the drink and is pouting for attention? Yeah we heard." John said, arms crossed. Carson gave him a cold stare.

"That is not fair or appropriate, colonel, let alone accurate."

"Well then why don't you tell us what IS accurate? John retorted.

Carson sighed again. This wasn't going to be easy, it seemed.

"Rodney has depression and anxiety. I would suspect he had the anxiety for most of his life, but the depression is new and what's causing the most issues. His anxiety has just gotten stronger, and less controllable. It's a common enough illness, but still has a lot of stigma associated with it. Hiding it just makes it all worse, though. He needs help and treatment like any other illness, and not to be told he can just 'get better', alright colonel?" Carson explained looking directly at John, whom shifted uncomfortably.

"He seemed to be doing fine though, why all of a sudden have this outburst?" Teyla asked, genuinely confused.

"Rodney tried his hardest to pretend things were fine in fear of his treatment by all of you if you found out he was struggling."

"Why?" Ronon asked, ever simply.

"Because honestly, reactions like the colonel's only serves to make things worse."

"Why would he think we'd treat him with anything other than support? Are we not his friends?" Teyla enquired.

"I know love, it's a difficult situation. While you would be caring to him, part of the problem is his paranoia of being ignored, or scolded, for things beyond his control. Which is a real possibility, to be honest." Carson said while smiling to Teyla, trying to ignore Sheppard's annoyed expression.

"That sounds very backwards. I know I don't know a lot about this kind of stuff, but it sounds a lot like the Tenebris." Ronon spoke.

"I agree, I believe it is the same thing from my understanding?" Teyla reinforced, turning her attention to Carson for more information.

"I … I don't know what that is." Carson responded.

"It is a condition amongst most peoples I have encountered here. It is called the "darkness", a cold sorrow that fills someone up inside and stops them from being able to be happy, or feel things at all. More than just being sad - it is like being possessed by an entity that takes over at any time. My people used to think it was wraith spirits taking over the body and draining the life from you." Teyla explained.

"Same with ours. It would take a long time, but the friends and family could beat the spirit and set the person free - or so the legend goes. I don't know if it's true or not, but whatever it is… it needs others to beat." Ronon explained. Carson was glad that both Teyla and Ronon were understanding.

"Yeah, that's basically the same. It's mostly caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, not dark spirits - although I would imagine at times it'd feel like it."

"This is all well and good, but what do we do?" John interrupted.  
"We can't have him around if he's a liability." Elizabeth spoke, and immediately Carson got angry.

"That's exactly why he didn't want to tell any of you! You just see him as an asset or a liability, not as a friend or even person that has feelings and needs! Shipping him off back to Earth will just make everything worse for him. No. We need to try deal with this here between us."

Elizabeth shut her mouth and straightened, not used to being snapped at.

"Well, what do you suggest then?" Elizabeth said, turning the burden back upon the doctor. Carson hung his head in his hands.

"I don't know, I'm not a psychiatrist. And I can't be the psychological help for him anymore… not solely, at least. I didn't even notice the self harm until last night when he told me. Zelenka even noticed before me for god sake, and I'm his bloody boyfriend."

Carson peered up once he said that, not having thought about it. Ronon just raised his eyebrows, Teyla smiled, John looked a bit uncomfortable, and Elizabeth just nodded.

"That doesn't mean he doesn't trust you, Carson. It'd be hard to confide in you I guess when you have a duty of care over him." Elizabeth said, attempting to now comfort Carson. She might be a little unsettled about the whole situation, but at least could see when her CMO was struggling.

"I know, I just… it hurts, you know? I care for him so much, and that suffering was happening right in front of me."

Carson knew he wasn't giving very helpful answers. He was still at a bit of a loss over it all, himself.

"Look, just for now, be kind. Don't scold, or say things like 'get over it', 'snap out of it', 'start acting right'…. those kinds of things aren't helpful. Just … be there. Don't force him into things, and just listen. You can come through now, he's probably lucid now."

The group nodded and rose, following the doctor into the infirmary.


	19. Recording Goodbyes

Carson had released Rodney after they had made a 'mental health support plan' for him, and run down actions for him to take in a 'crisis'. Rodney laughed inwardly at the word. He knew what they meant by it, but he certainly had a different opinion of it now. To him, a crisis would be him strapped to a bed, with no control or say in what was done to him. Not him feeling suicidal or like harming himself. No, those were quite calming thoughts. As Rodney sat in his room, he felt the urge to cut himself again. But he couldn't, not with everyone eyeing him closely and Carson checking him each night. In a way Rodney felt he should be grateful that there was someone that cared enough about him to put in that effort. But at the same time, he just felt guilty for getting that close to someone that was genuinely nice enough to put that effort in for him - when he was just going to end it all and leave Carson alone and miserable.

Rodney sighed inwardly at the thought of leaving Carson. It still hurt him to think of the poor man's suffering… but he reminded himself that he wasn't responsible for protecting everyone from hurt. He shouldn't have to suffer just for the sake of everyone else's comfort. And again, the same thought resounded in his mind: he wouldn't care when he's dead. So even if he felt guilty for leaving Carson, and the others, it wouldn't matter in the end. He wouldn't feel it after he did it. He knew it was selfish, but he honestly couldn't care. He wouldn't care about that either when he was dead. The appeal of feeling _nothing_ was so enticing that it dominated over all other thoughts. Sometimes he felt unsettled at how quickly, and how easily, he was thinking about suicide. But those moments were few and far between since being released from the infirmary. Having to listen to all the talk of planning for his safety, like he was just an uncontrollable stupid child… it was more than he could bear. Their fake care wasn't going to fool him.

"People only care that you don't die. They don't care to help you stay alive." Rodney uttered to himself bitterly. He'd been forced to talk to Dr Heightmyer once already, the day after leaving the infirmary. He had another appointment today, only two days later. It seemed excessive to him, but it didn't matter anyway. Sure, frequent visits might help if he was still trying to fix everything, but they were just a hinderance when he was going to escape instead.

Rodney had been at his computer for most of the time since he'd been put on leave. He was collecting all of his various projects together and organising them, and finishing off some of the ones that were almost done. He'd typed a few more of his musings down, thoughts that just ran across his brain in passing, just in case they lead to more breakthroughs by those who continued his work. Rodney huffed to himself, remembering how happy Carson was to see him working and focusing his mind. To the doctor, Rodney was trying hard to be normal and keep going like he always did… working on projects, writing down ideas to investigate in the future. Soon enough Carson would realise how wrong he was.

Rodney stood, having finished putting his 'affairs in order'. He peeked out of the door to make sure no one was standing there eavesdropping, as had been the case once before, and then went back inside and set up the video camera. He sat down to record his messages. He'd done this a couple of times before, when they feared impending doom, and so knew generally what he was going to say. He started off with the usual explanation of where his life's work could be found, and a goodbye to his sister (without going into details). He addressed his team, and Elizabeth. And then started on the more emotional things.

"Zelenka. Radek. I'm sorry for the way I treated you all this time. You were a good man, and a good friend, and didn't deserve the negative treatment that I gave you. And I should have listened to you. It's funny to think how differently this all would have turned out if I had just been less of an asshole and just listened to you. But I didn't, and now it's up to you and, and, and whomever … to continue some of the work I started. I know that if you end up taking my place as chief scientist, you'll do an excellent job. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I really valued your input and dedication, and your friendship. Thank you for trying to help, as well." Rodney said, nodding at the end.

"Carson. I don't know what to say. I know you're hurting, and probably angry at me. And knowing you, angry at yourself. But please don't. None of this was your fault, and you did everything you could. I feel guilty for getting so close to you only to leave you like this, but I can't go on anymore. You were too good for me, and maybe if things had turned out differently, we could have grown old together. If _I_ had turned out differently. Been a better person for you. It's ok to be sad, but don't stay sad. You are amazing as a doctor, a friend, and a partner. They need you. I love you, and I'm so sorry. If it weren't for you, this would have happened a lot sooner - so you saved my life, every day, for over two months. Don't feel bad that you missed a day." Rodney spoke, tears flowing by the end. He turned off the camera, and went and curled up in the bed for a while.


	20. Aquisition

Rodney had to go to his office to organise the video messages. He couldn't set a delayed release from his laptop for some reason, as he'd discovered the previous night. Even though it had been emotional to do, he was really glad to have done it. He felt calmer and refreshed, and Carson even commented to him that evening that he was looking better. That feeling had stayed with him for the entire next day - except for when Carson had sat at the table and glanced at his laptop. It was then he decided that he would put the messages in the database, encrypted for delayed sending until after he was gone, and found that he couldn't. Turns out he didn't need to be so worried, as Carson had been more than happy to just snuggle in bed all evening.

Honestly, he felt good. It was all going to end soon, so he was taking in the last of everything. He smiled at the people who passed him on his way, even saying good morning to some. Even when Radek came up to him and asked how he was, he honestly could respond 'better'. He paused at the window just before his office, and looked out over the city. It really was a lovely day - bright warm sun shining in a cloudless sky, the water glistening in the sun's reflections. He breathed in deeply, smelling the fresh salty air. _A good day to die._ Rodney thought to himself, smiling at himself for the nerdy Star Trek reference.

It didn't take him long to edit the messages and get them ready. _Tomorrow morning should be enough time_ , he thought to himself. He set the time, and then laid back. He felt a fleeting wave of panic wash over him at the thought that he was committed now, but it didn't last long. He just felt calm again thinking that it was almost over.

 _Time to go see Carson._ Rodney stood up and had one last look at his office, not bothering to clean it up any, and left. It was a bit sad to leave it, but like a good sad. The sad he felt when leaving his childhood room to move out for university. Like better things were ahead.

He arrived in the infirmary after having taken his time on the walk there, taking in his surroundings one last time. He walked right up to Carson, who looked at him with a face of both concern and joy.

"Rodney love, what's the matter?"

"Oh, um… I just feel like I need to be here." Rodney responded, trying hard not to lie at all to his boyfriend.

"Are you hurt?" Carson asked, hinting at the self harming. He dearly hoped that Rodney hadn't done that again.

"No, no cuts. Just … I need to see you."

Carson sighed in relief, and dropped his doctor's guard.  
"That's good love. I'm glad you came to me." Carson smiled, happy Rodney was trying to follow his care plan.

"I … I know you're busy, and so I wondered if I could just sit in your office for a bit?"

"I don't mind having you around, but I agree it's a little cramped for just sitting space out here. I'll be in in a minute."

Rodney nodded, and walked into Carson office. He glanced out towards the busy doctor, and when he was certain he wasn't being watched, he began to look about for the keys to the cabinet. He didn't want to ruffle about things too much, but he just couldn't see them sitting out anywhere. He groaned to himself, and noticed Carson walking his way. It was just in the way his labcoat gently billowed as he walked that Rodney realised that the keys would, of course, be in Carson's coat.

Carson sat down in his seat and looked at Rodney.

"Can I help in any way, love?" Carson asked. Rodney's mind ran about quickly, and came up with a new plan.

"Um, yeah… could you, um, just give me a hug?" Rodney asked, knowing Carson would oblige.

"Of course love."

Carson stood and hugged Rodney while he was in the chair. Rodney wrapped his arms around the Scot's middle, and buried his face into Carson's belly. Carson stroked Rodney's hair gently.

"Carson? Do you mind if you take off your coat? It's just it feels more like just being cared for by a doctor not my boyfriend."

Carson raised his eyebrow at Rodney's request, not quite understanding, but complied. He took his labcoat off and draped it over his chair, and put the stethoscope on his desk. He returned to hug Rodney, the same way as before.

"Thank you, Carson. This is just what I wanted." Rodney said, knowing that what he meant wasn't what Carson heard. He also knew it could be considered a bit mean, or bastardly, but he didn't care. He only had one thing left to do for his entire life.

After a few minutes, Rodney released Carson, who went back to sitting in his chair.

"It's getting a bit late in the day, would you like to have lunch?" Rodney asked, sounding innocent.

"Um, my shift doesn't end for a little…I can't really leave for too long…"

"No no, I don't want to leave. I… I just can't be around other people in the mess hall right now. I was hoping you could go get something and bring it here?" Rodney interrupted, and looked at Carson with wide eyes. The doctor's resolve melted in the blue depths of those pleading eyes, and so sighed and nodded.

"Alright Rodney. But we have food trays here…"

"I know but it's not really special. I kinda want it to be a nice lunch with you." Rodney spoke, which was still true. He did want his last meal with Carson to be special.

"I know, I just thought I'd mention it." Carson stood, and went to grab his coat. Quickly, Rodney jumped up and hugged him again.

"Thank you for caring for me." Rodney spoke, wanting to have said that anyway, but glad it served another purpose. Carson smiled and hugged back, glad to be doing a good job.

"Any time, love. I won't be long." Carson said, and left his office without putting on his coat.

Rodney sat there a moment to be sure Carson wouldn't come back, and pushed the thoughts of manipulating his boyfriend out of his head. He then dove his hand into the coat pockets, finding the keychain in the second one he tried. He walked out of the office and directly to the cabinet, which luckily was close by. He didn't look around to make it seem suspicious, and no one made any noises to stop him. He looked at the keys, and saw the small one he remembered. He put it in the lock, swiftly opened the door, grabbed a whole box of the medication, and then closed the cabinet again. He walked back into the office, slipped the keys back into the same pocket, and hid the box in the pocket of the large jacket he was wearing. He squished the box to make it seem less conspicuous, and then sat still waiting for Carson to get back.

They sat and ate lunch together, not really talking all that much. Carson felt a bit calmer inside seeing Rodney there, munching on food like he used to, smiling occasionally when he caught him staring. Rodney loved seeing the Scot smile, and wanted that to be the last thing he remembered of Carson. Those shimmering blue eyes full of care. He couldn't stop and think about changing his mind because of Carson, but he still felt a deep sadness inside for what was to come. After eating, they placed their trays on Carson's desk.

"Thank you, Carson, for everything." Rodney spoke, and gave his boyfriend one last kiss.

"Always here love, I enjoyed the lunch too." Carson responded, and smiled while Rodney left.


	21. Attempt

Rodney walked back to his quarters, and put the medication on the table as he entered. He had to have a think about how to manage swallowing them all before passing out… perhaps crushing them all into a powder? He lay on the couch. There was no rush. He hadn't said his goodbyes to anyone yet, so as long as he took it before tomorrow (well, before Carson finished his shift tonight), everything would be fine.

He pulled out a couple of bottles of wine, seeing no sense in saving them anymore. He drank from the bottle while he stared out over the city. It really was a beautiful place.

"I am content." he spoke softly to himself.

Before long, one bottle of wine was downed. He just left it laying on the ground - well, he'd tried to put in with the others for recycling, but had instead knocked over the container and released two other bottles to roll about. He was feeling a little tipsy, but since it had taken him two hours to drink the (not very strong) bottle, he was still perfectly lucid.

"It's time."

Radek hadn't heard any sounds coming from Rodney's workstation in a while. He'd seen him go in there, but hadn't seen him leave. While he told himself that Rodney was probably in his quarters, he was still concerned that the scientist had escaped to his lab to cut.

"Rodney? Are you here?" Radek asked as he entered, but saw no one. He nodded contently to himself, but noticed Rodney's computer still up and running. It was strange, since Rodney was usually very protective of his computers, usually in fear of others finding 'secret' research on it to claim as their own. As Radek approached, he noticed that everything was still up and running.

"That's odd." Radek said to himself.

He knew that the scientist was a little under the weather at the moment, but the behaviour had been so engrained into Rodney that failure to do it could mean something was up. So Radek sat down and perused through the open programs and files - just to try get an idea of what was going on, not to steal any ideas. He knew he shouldn't, but there was just this nagging feeling he couldn't shake that something was wrong, and this might give some clues.

Rodney decided that he could grind up the pills into a powder, and then take it all at once - could even just put it in some water and drink it. He looked over to the small kitchen, and couldn't see anything really resembling a mortar and pestle. He decided to just use a knife to squash them, and put it in a glass to drink. He pulled out a large knife from the kitchen, and then went back to sitting at the desk. He emptied out the box of pill strips, and then started popping out all the pills onto the desk in a pile. He wasn't sure how many there were, but it didn't matter. Just that there was a pile, and a pile seemed enough to do the trick. He put the packaging into the bin, and opened the second bottle of wine.

Radek noticed that Rodney's computer still had "encryption complete" displaying, which made even less sense. Why would he be encrypting information, only to leave the computer on?  
"This is in our database, he shouldn't encrypt the information." Radek said to himself, and flicked through the other programs running. It seemed like the information had been lodged to recipients, to be released tomorrow. Thinking he'd better call Rodney before investigating further, he radioed him.

Rodney found that it was rather hard work to squish pills into powder. He left little chunks, deciding it would dissolve quick enough into the water. He did realise that he probably could have just emptied all the pills into the water to dissolve, but he had already gotten half way and felt he should finish. He'd drunk half the bottle of wine, and decided it was enough. He put it on the floor so that he had more room to work on the pills. He had taken off his headset, so hadn't noticed the call on his radio from Zelenka.

"Rodney, please respond." Radek said, panic starting to rise in his gut. Too many things were 'off' for his liking. And he knew that if he was wrong, he could apologise for it later. But if he was right… well. He then went in and opened the program used for the delayed sending to recipients, and noticed he was one of them. He tried to open the file, but the encryption wouldn't allow him. But, being a genius, it didn't take him long.

Rodney finished crushing the pills, used the knife to scoop the powder into the glass, and took both the glass and knife to the kitchen. He put the knife in the sink, and filled the glass with water. He then walked back over to the table to sit down.

"Rodney! Rodney, I'm worried. Answer." Radek tried again, but gave up. He'd managed to decode the message by this stage, and saw it was a video. He pressed open, and it played. It was Rodney, and the first few words were like ice water had washed over him.

"Carson!" Radek shouted into the radio, panicking.

"Radek? what's happened?" Carson responded immediately.

"Carson, go find Rodney. Now. I'm serious."

Dread filled Carson as he heard those words. He dropped what he was doing, and ran out the door.

"Radek, talk to me. What's going on?" Carson asked while he ran.

"I found a video on his computer to be sent to me, maybe more for others, I don't know. But it's a goodbye message."

Carson's adrenalin surged through his body, blocking out the aching of his muscles as he ran through the corridor to Rodney's quarters.

Rodney downed the glass of water, finding it rather difficult to swallow. Not because of the rather bad taste, but because his subconscious must have been trying to stop him doing what he was trying to do. He felt a bit anxious while he sat there for those moments, waiting to feel an effect like last time. He then realised that it would be rather ungracious to be found in a heap at the table, and so decided neatly laying on the bed would be better.

Carson, panting, arrived at the door and immediately opened it with a medical override.

"Rodney?!" Carson shouted as he stood there in the doorway, panting from running but also from the panic attack, watching Rodney sit at the table.

"Carson?" Rodney said, unable to comprehend why he was there. What did he do wrong? He had been so careful to make sure no one would know, so no one would try stop him. He didn't want to have to fight for what he needed.

"Rodney, please… don't." Carson pleaded, still not sure what was happening, but he knew this was a very dangerous situation and he had to be careful. One wrong word and Rodney could shoot himself, or … he didn't want to think about the rest. He wanted to slowly move in to hold him, stop him from doing anything to himself, but he dare not move for fear of making Rodney do anything hasty. He just stood there, seconds passing like hours, with his breath hitched in his throat and his heart pounding enough to hear the blood thud audibly in his ears.

Rodney looked sullen, and exhaled.

"You weren't supposed to see this…I didn't… didn't want to… make you watch."

"Watch what, Rodney?" Carson asked, focusing hard on keeping his voice calm.

There was a pause, where Rodney looked at him and swayed gently, like he was losing the ability to sit upright. Rodney tried hard to stay still, but the medication was overwhelming his ability to control his body. He could feel his limbs go heavy, his breathing slow, and his eyes droop. He knew he had to get to the bed now, or he'll not have a chance.

"I er… left you… a note." Rodney spoke, and he could see Carson's eyes grow wide and fill with tears. He didn't want to see this.

"Rodney, please… let's talk, I can help." Carson pleaded, but Rodney was confused… if Carson knew what was happening, why would he be just standing there and asking to talk? _He mustn't know it all._

"No, it's alright. Everything's alright now." Rodney tried to assure, but even as he said it he knew Carson wasn't going to just change his mind and leave. So Rodney tried to just tell him to leave… it was for his benefit, after all.

"Carson… I don't want you to… to see. Please go."

"Well that's not bloody happening!" Carson snapped, and Rodney could hear panic in his voice. He sighed, but Carson continued.

"I'm not leaving you Rodney. Just relax and let me come in. We'll talk this through… just don't do anything rash…"

Rodney decided that the doctor really didn't understand what was going on. But he couldn't talk anymore… he had to get to the bed, and it was even seeming like that might not happen. He couldn't move much anymore, and the urge to just relax all his muscles was overwhelming.

"Do?" Rodney said, as he tried to get up. He steadied himself on the table, but he could tell he wasn't going to make it.

"There's nothing to do… it's already done." Rodney said. He was going to try make it to the bed anyway, but knew he only had a little bit of consciousness left. He wanted Carson to be that little bit.  
"Goodbye, Carson."

Rodney's muscles let go completely, and he felt his entire body fall down… but he fell into blackness before he could feel himself hit the ground.

Carson dove forward, the tears falling down his cheeks, and called for his medical team to meet him there. Rodney still had a pulse, despite being rather slow. He couldn't tell what it was that Rodney had taken, or how much. He was guessing some kind of sedative, but he couldn't treat it without knowing what it was! All he could do was demand the team bring activated charcoal with them. He rolled Rodney into the recovery position, and monitored his (worryingly little) breathing.

The team arrived, and they quickly got him onto the stretcher and hooked up with some oxygen through the mask.

"Find out what he took!" Carson barked at one of the nurses. He wasn't sure how exactly she was going to do that, but she could look about the place at least.

Carson ran with the team back to the infirmary, but just before entering Rodney stopped breathing.

"Ah crap!" Carson uttered, and pulled out the ambu bag from the kit.

"We'll intubate when we're there, let's just move." Carson said in a professional manner to the inquisitive looks, unable to let his emotions in or he'd break down.

Radek was in the infirmary by the time the team made it there, and saw them pull Rodney in and try resuscitate him.

"Oh God." He said, pale and sweaty.

"Radek, get out of the way!" Carson shouted, a little too forcefully, but Radek just did as he was told silently. He went out to the waiting area, and called the other senior staff to inform them.

They shifted Rodney onto one of the beds, and Carson intubated while the other doctor connected up the oxygen to the ventilator.

"We're gonna have to get the toxins out of him. I don't know when it was taken, but I'm assuming recently." Carson spoke, his team understanding what he meant.

"Dr Beckett? It was benzodiazepines. A whole box it seems."

"Thank you." Carson responded, and felt a bit better knowing what he was up against.

"Ok get a nasogastric tube, and prepare the charcoal." Carson spoke, ready to suck out what he could before pumping the charcoal back in. In no time at all, he had worked the tube into Rodney's stomach, and they started sucking out the contents. It haunted Carson to look at the lunch they'd eaten together coming back out through the tube, feeling like it was his fault Rodney got the medications while he was out getting the lunch.

Carson shook his head. No, no thoughts like that now. Save Rodney first, then emotions.

"Alright, feed in the charcoal, I think that's all we'll be getting." Carson spoke to the other doctor, and they did as they were told without question. The nurses had hooked Rodney up to the monitor, and Carson just observed the vitals while the dark liquid was pumped into Rodney's stomach. He still wasn't breathing for himself - but hopefully that would pass once the sedatives got out of his system. The alcohol he saw lying about the living area worried him - it can be deadly, regardless of the medical care available - when combined with alcohol. And the antidote isn't very effective - which was why they didn't bring any. He didn't think he'd have a need, to be honest.

"Come on Rodney." Carson uttered as he shook beside the bed. He hated that there was very little he could do now to improve Rodney's chances of survival. He had to just wait, and hope, that the charcoal absorbed enough of the benzo's.


	22. Waiting

_Sorry for the delay everyone, I hope to finish soon but there may be some more delays ahead - it's just when I get time to write! I'll do my best though, thank you for the continued reviews!_

* * *

When there was nothing left to do but wait, the other medical staff vacated to leave Carson alone with Rodney. Carson sat beside the bed, looking up at the still body that lay there. His muscles were shaking, and the emotions swirled within his chest to a point where he couldn't keep it in anymore. He grabbed a hold of Rodney's limp hand, and leaned against the bed so that he could hang his head in his arms while still holding the scientist's hand. He then burst into tears.

He didn't know how long he was there crying until he felt a hand gently place upon his back. He looked up and saw Zelenka standing there, concerned.

"He's still not breathing, Radek." Carson mumbled hopelessly. Radek's eyes flickered up to the screens with Rodney's vitals, and then back to Carson.

"It's not lost yet, Carson." He spoke gently.

"Why? Why did he do this?" Carson asked while still crying.

"I don't know, Carson. I'm not that kind of doctor." Radek said bluntly, but rubbed circles on Carson's back.

"He left you a message." Radek said after some silence. Carson nodded.

"He said I… I was too late to stop him, Radek. I wouldn't have even found him in time to try save him without you. You have no idea how grateful I am to you."

"I need him too. He's a pain in the arse at times, but he's a friend."

Carson looked up at Radek, eyes red and swollen.

"How did you find out?" Carson asked.

"I saw him go into his lab, and then I didn't hear him for some time. I went to check in on him and he had left his computer running still. You know he likes to be sure to turn it off before leaving, so I went and had a look. Something just seemed off and worried me. I tried radioing him, but there was no response… so I looked at what was left on the computer and found the messages."

Carson just nodded. He was indeed grateful, but also hurt and hating himself. Radek just noticed something small like that and could have saved Rodney's life, whereas he had just thought Rodney was fine. Thinking back on it now, he _knew_ that suicidal people often seem to be doing much better right before they make an attempt on their lives. He was so … _stupid_ , and blind. He just felt like he deserved punishment, and could now understand more of Rodney's self-harming. He had a chance to stop Rodney, before even getting the medications… but no, he saw what he wanted to see.

The recent memories flashed before Carson's eyes, and he paled. He finally started to react to the situation as he saw it unfold before him. Finding Rodney in his room, seeing him drop to the floor, when he stopped breathing, threading the nasogastric tube into his stomach, watching the contents being drained, seeing the charcoal being pumped in, Rodney still not breathing on his own…

"Carson?" Radek asked, having noticed the doctor going still and pale.

Carson suddenly felt ill, and grabbed for the sick bag on the table beside Rodney. He promptly vomited into the bag, heaving violently. He panted a few times, sitting back upright, and tied off the bag. His skin remained pale, but now also had a sheen of sweat covering it. Carson stood and put the bag in the adjacent bin, and then turned to the inquisitive eyes of Radek.

"Bugger, shock." Carson just spoke, assessing his condition. His muscles felt weak and shaky, and he was having trouble breathing from a panic inside his chest.

"Carson, do you need me to get someone?"

"No I don't think so lad, I'm just going into a psychological shock reaction. Just gotta lie down." Carson spoke, trying to remain professional and in control. Radek helped Carson into the bed beside Rodney's.

"Are you sure you don't want one of the doctors?"  
"Nae, though I would like a blanket if you'd pass that one over?" Carson said as he laid on the bed, pointing to the linen in the cabinet across the hall. Radek did as he was asked, but still went and got one of the nurses. Carson fussed that he was fine, but the nurse disagreed - much to Radek's comfort. One friend was in enough trouble, he didn't need another suffering.

Radek walked out of the infirmary to first talk to the senior staff, and then to get the message for Carson.

"What's happening Radek? We've been told to stay here."

"Yes, well, there's not much you can do in there other than be in the way." Radek responded to John's request. He wasn't unkind, but still felt resentment towards the colonel for his attitude towards Rodney before.

"Yeah, ok, but what's happening?" Sheppard continued.

"Rodney overdosed on something, I don't know what, and so now is unconscious and on a ventilator. Apparently there's nothing else to be done but wait until the stuff he took wears off. But his heart stayed beating which is good I heard them say… more likely he'll be alright. I just don't know if that's going to happen yet. And I think Carson doesn't either." Radek explained from his observations from the distance in the infirmary.

"Look, can we talk to Carson?" Elizabeth asked, wanting more information than Radek could give.  
"No, I don't think so right now. He's not in a good way, Elizabeth."

The team looked at each other. It was turning out to be a rather bad day. John felt pretty guilty over the way he'd treated Rodney since the accident on Doranda, especially the parts regarding depression. He'd honestly thought Rodney was just exaggerating for attention - he didn't think that it was this serious. That all changed when he got called by Radek and told Rodney'd made an attempt on his life. And here he was, sitting in the waiting room, not sure if his teammate would survive. It was a rather abrupt awakening.

Radek excused himself, leaving the team sitting there to talk amongst themselves. Personally he was glad that John seemed scared; he'd not been all that kind to Rodney. It didn't take him long to download the message left for Carson onto his computer, and so was making his way back to the infirmary within a few minutes. He just wasn't sure it was the right time for Carson to see it.


	23. Aftermath

"Don't be sad you missed a day."

Carson was left sobbing. Radek had brought in Rodney's goodbye video, and he hadn't been able to hold it together. Not that he should, really. At least he was in his office where there was some privacy. Radek rubbed Carson's back, as it had seemed to help last time.

"Why, Radek? Why would he do this?"  
"I don't know, Carson, but please remember he wasn't thinking properly. He didn't do it to hurt you."

Carson didn't have anything to respond. He knew Radek was right, and was glad that at least there was someone that was understanding and supportive for him. It was hard to be the sole support for Rodney all the time, despite wanting to do it. It was harder to be the CMO and expected to be detached and fine all the time. Well, he felt that way at least. His staff didn't really hold him to that expectation, as shown when he was curled up in the bed next to Rodney trying to come to terms with what had happened. They'd been rather understanding.

"Carson? I need to talk to you about something." Radek said once Carson had calmed down a little.

"Hm?" The doctor answered with a sniffle.

"When Rodney wakes, he … well, he likely won't be himself." Radek said, being sure not to say 'if'.

"I don't think there will be any brain damage, he didn't go without oxygen for any amount of time." Carson responded.

"No that's not what I meant. I … well, I've kinda been through this sort of thing before, many years ago. My brother - well, he tried, and when he woke up in the hospital he was… very angry. He screamed, he shouted at my family, said he hated them for saving him. Then he didn't speak to anyone for a long time. I'm not saying Rodney will do the same, but … if he does, please don't think he's … well, he is being honest at the time, but his thinking is different. He tried to escape everything and you brought him back to face it again."  
Carson nodded. He had a vague memory of this kind of behaviour from his training, but it was from a while ago. He appreciated Radek trying to help, but at the moment it felt more upsetting than anything. Mostly because Rodney still hadn't begun breathing on his own yet, and talking as if he'd pull through felt a bit hollow.

"Dr Beckett?"

Carson and Radek turned to face the doctor that was in the doorway of the office.

"It seems like Dr McKay is recovering, but we thought you would like to inspect before we remove him from the ventilator."  
"Yes, thank you." Carson said while getting up from the desk, not caring how coincidental it was. Radek followed despite not being sure he was allowed to be there watching.

Much to Carson's relief, he was able to take Rodney off the ventilator. He was still unconscious, but this was the sign he was after that the scientist would actually recover. Carson felt like a lead weight had been lifted from his chest.

"He's going to be ok." He breathed at Radek, who smiled and nodded back. With any luck, Rodney would wake up soon. Radek, however, doubted how 'ok' he was going to be when he woke.

Rodney saw blurred images of light, and became aware of his body. He blinked more, and made out that he was staring at a roof. He flickered his eyes about and saw monitors and various equipment about, and concluded he was in the infirmary. The pit of his stomach dropped at the realisation. He was alive. He now had to deal with the consequences of his attempt, and all the things he tried to run from. He groaned, not so much at the pain he felt all over, but at the thought of having to stick around. His body felt like he'd been run over. All the muscles ached, and he could barely move any of them. He felt nauseous, his throat was dry and stung, and his nose and sinuses burnt. Being alive was really shitty, he concluded.

His eyes focused on a form looking over him. It was Carson. Rodney noticed that he looked pretty terrible; his eyes were red and strained, his face was gaunt, and he looked exhausted. But Rodney couldn't feel any pity for him. Instead, he felt annoyed… angry, even. Carson was the one who saved him, and so was the reason he was still here in this misery. He loved him, but he couldn't feel that either. All he could feel was hurt, and pain, and dread… and hatred for the man that forced him to feel all these things.

"Rodney?" Carson asked, worry laced in his voice. Rodney just looked away from the concerned Scot's face.

"Rodney, what is it?"  
"Why?" Rodney grumbled, his voice hoarse.

"Why what, love?"  
"Why did you save me?"

Carson didn't respond. The words slapped him in the face and stabbed him in the chest. He remembered what Radek had told him, but it didn't stop the sting of those words. How could Rodney think he would do anything other than save him? Rodney tried to roll over on his side, but his muscles were still painful - and so he gave up with a grunt. Carson stroked his shoulder, but Rodney still didn't look at him.

"Can I get you anything?" Carson asked, his voice hushed.

"Since you won't give me what I want, some water will be fine." Rodney snapped, eyes squinting at the doctor. He didn't care if he hurt Carson… in fact, he felt like it was only fair Carson hurt as well.

"Don't be like that, love." Carson spoke, but left before Rodney could respond. He walked over to the table to get a cup of water, but rested heavily on the bench with his arms. He took some deep breaths, but he couldn't hold back the tears. He felt like his insides were tearing themselves apart, leaving a huge empty cavity inside. This was indeed going to be difficult. But no matter what Rodney said, or could say, Carson was still grateful that he was alive. Sure, the words would hurt, but the feeling he had when he was afraid Rodney wouldn't make it … nothing would be worse than that, not while he was still with him.

Carson returned and helped Rodney drink some, still feeling the internal conflict of being happy Rodney was still alive, and hurt at Rodney's attitude. All he could do was breathe deep, and hope that it would pass once Rodney started getting used to the idea that he was alive, and going to stay that way as far as Carson was concerned.

"Leave me." Rodney spoke, and Carson nodded. He really didn't want to, but he wanted to respect Rodney's wishes. In fact, he felt fairly anxious not being around Rodney. He felt he needed to be there to stop him making another attempt, to comfort him, to make sure that he was really there.

He left the room and out to the waiting area. Radek, bless him, had taken it upon himself to communicate with the senior staff about Rodney's condition. Carson was very grateful to not have to deal with that as well. Still, he did have to talk to them somewhat. They'd been wanting to come visit since Rodney was taken in, but Carson had denied them. Now that Rodney was awake, he could have visitors, but he wanted to warn them what they were getting themselves into.

"Carson." Elizabeth spoke as the doctor entered the room.

"Elizabeth." Carson responded. "You can go see him now, since he's awake. But I need to warn you - he's not in his normal state of mind."  
"What do you mean?"  
"He was pretty convinced he was going to die, and is not happy that he's having to face everything he was trying to escape. He's being rather… hurtful. Try not to take what he says too personally, he's just not thinking clearly. The desperation and disappointment are just overwhelming right now." Carson said, speaking not only to Elizabeth but to the rest of Rodney's team that were gathered.

"Still," Carson said, sniffling, "It does hurt."

Teyla walked over and stroked Carson's arm supportively.  
"I'm alright, dear, thank you."

"I beg to differ Carson, you look terrible. I think you should get some rest." Elizabeth spoke.

"I will, soon." Carson spoke, not sure when he would get around to it but hoping to placate the base leader.

They agreed to see him one at a time, and Carson sat nearby to monitor Rodney - incase of medical problems arising or more self harming attempts. Carson kept feeling the sedative he had in his pocket. He didn't want to use it, considering what Rodney's body had just went through, but he would if it looked like Rodney was about to cause more harm to himself.

Elizabeth's meeting had gone about as expected: Rodney had been avoidant, gruff, and occasionally hurtful. At least he seemed to calm down a little when Elizabeth assured him that he wasn't about to be sent away because of what happened. Carson smiled at that. Teyla and Ronon came together, since neither of them had much to say. Rodney didn't really have much to say to them either. It was just a 'get better soon' and 'thanks' kind of conversation. John's encounter was next.

Carson expected there to be a lot of griping and snapping, with the colonel behaving arrogantly and orderly like before. But Carson was surprised, since John came and sat beside Rodney quietly. Neither man spoke for a while, and even though Carson knew he shouldn't eavesdrop on the conversation, curiosity got the best of him.

"I'm sorry, Rodney." John spoke sullenly.

Rodney's eyes moved from the empty space beside him and up to meet the colonel's.

"I didn't understand what you were going through, and I thought you were just making a scene to get attention and forgiveness. I acted like a jerk because of it. I was insensitive and didn't bother to consider your feelings or why you were doing what you did. I… I have seen how desperately you've fought to save our lives as well as your own, and so when I heard you'd tried to end yours…I saw how bad it must have all been. And I felt so damn guilty over how I treated you, and I was so scared I wouldn't be able to apologise for it. I'm sorry, Rodney, I really am."

Rodney didn't interrupt, but just stared into the colonel's eyes as he poured his soul out. He nodded softly, and John got up and left without another word being shared between them. Rodney was left in the bed, processing the information that had just being delivered to him. It wasn't often that Sheppard was that apologetic, or sincere. Carson felt in himself that he forgave him for his actions. Deciding it was best to just leave Rodney there for the time being, hopefully to get some rest, Carson went into his office to do the same. He couldn't bare to go to his quarters, even though he knew Rodney was in a safe place. He knew he would have to eventually, but he planned to take Rodney with him instead.


	24. Recovering

Carson released Rodney under his medical custody once his shift was over. He'd made it very clear to the scientist that he was to remain under his careful watch at all times, and the room would be sealed so he couldn't escape during the night… and that his life sign was being monitored, so should he manage to escape he'd be caught immediately after. Rodney had rolled his eyes at the talk, but said nothing. He wanted to make snipes back at Carson, but rethought his words after his visit with Radek.

It had been a while since John had left that Radek came by to see him. He'd grumbled that he didn't want to see him, but Radek insisted. He'd then been told about what had happened since he took the pills and collapsed in front of Carson. Strangely, no one had said anything about it up until then, and he'd not thought about it. He had listened silently, albeit begrudgingly at first, as Radek described how they'd brought him in to the infirmary, how he'd watched Carson try to resuscitate him, which ended up in him being on a ventilator. That explained the dry painful throat. Then Radek said how Carson had pumped out his stomach through his nose, and then pumped it full of charcoal. That also explained a few other things. He couldn't help but notice the hurt in his fellow scientist's eyes as he said how they just had to wait, and hope, that the treatment was enough.

It was after this that Radek had shuffled closer, and spoke softly to him. Surprisingly to Rodney, Radek actually knew a lot about how he felt. And he knew how to talk to him so that he wouldn't just feel worse. But he did, eventually, feel worse. Radek mostly talked of Carson, and how he wasn't coping well with what had happened. Rodney felt a twang of guilt in his stomach that his mind couldn't quell with any amount of selfishness. His partner had been physically sick, and then gone into shock, over the suicide attempt. He didn't know exactly why, or how, but Radek talking about Carson's suffering from his actions made all that anger and hatred he'd felt before towards him just disappear.

Rodney had burst into tears, and mumbled how he was sorry for causing all that pain, and how he just wanted it all over. He didn't want to hurt Carson, but there just wasn't any other way. Radek had been supportive and comforted him. Rodney was fairly flabbergasted at how readily this man that he constantly put down and snapped at was so caring towards him. In fact, the reactions from all his team had been far from what he'd envisioned. They'd all been so understanding, and no one was scolding him. For the first time he'd felt guilty over trying to end his life. Radek could tell, and had told him that being guilty won't solve anything. He needed to trust in his friends, and his partner, to get through it together. Sure, Rodney was still skeptical, but he agreed he needed to help Carson however he could.

It was obvious that Carson was highly anxious. Even as they both sat there, on the couch in Carson's quarters, Carson's body felt tense and his pulse rapid. Rodney could tell he was trying to control his breathing rate to make it seem like he wasn't tense, but he wasn't doing a good job of hiding it. Not, at least, when he was holding Rodney against his chest. Rodney was broken away from his thought train of his conversation with Radek by Carson getting up and pulling Rodney's wrist to the bed.

Rodney wasn't tired, but his body was still achey. So he lay beside Carson wide awake, as the doctor wrapped an arm across Rodney's stomach and rested his head on Rodney's chest. Rodney felt another wave of sadness over what he'd done, as he saw his love drop asleep from exhaustion before him - but only where he could hear the reassuring thud of Rodney's heartbeat. The room was dark and silent, broken only by gentle breathing and the occasional snore. Rodney still felt like a terrible mess of emotions, but just breathed out and rested his hand upon Carson's back. He was torn between feeling like he should have the support and not give it, and feeling like he should help ease Carson's pain. Maybe he could do both somehow? Slowly, he drifted off to a light sleep.

"RODNEY!" Carson screamed, and Rodney bolted awake. He looked over to where Carson was, laying beside him and tossing violently. He was covered in sweat and his brow was furrowed tightly.  
"Carson." Rodney spoke, his voice still hoarse. Carson didn't respond.

"Carson!" Rodney said, louder, and grabbed onto Carson's shoulder and shook it.

He stirred awake, panic still coursing through his veins. He opened his eyes, which darted about to gather information.

"Carson, it's alright, you were dreaming." Rodney spoke, hand still on Carson's shoulder.

Carson panted a bit, and started to calm down when he realised it was just a dream. He lay his head down onto the pillow while he caught his breath, and then rolled onto his side and clutched Rodney close. Rodney just lay there, letting Carson hold him as he needed. It was pretty obvious what the nightmare had been about.

"I'm sorry, Carson." Rodney spoke, barely a whisper. "I'm still here."

Carson soon was off to sleep again, still holding onto Rodney. Rodney drifted off again some time later, still getting an understanding of just how much Carson had been traumatised by what he'd tried to do.

Rodney felt utterly horrible. He lay in bed, curled up as much as possible. He wished he could cry, but he felt too depressed to have the energy. If he moved, it was like his entire day's energy was used - just to lift his head. He didn't want to do anything at all… he felt like if he stayed there, he would waste away to nothing. If only. His eyes flickered to the clock on the bedside table, and noticed that it was just about morning, and so Carson would be getting up soon.

Carson. That was half the reason he wasn't moving. Not in fear of waking the doctor, but because of the overwhelming guilt and horrid feelings that added to his already awful suicidally depressed mood. It hurt so much that he felt like he needed to vomit, but without the nausea - just the physical sensation of being crushed. And it wouldn't go away. And yet, he was feeling more and more anxious as he watched the minutes pass. Soon Carson would be getting up and abandoning him. Sure only for the day, but the entire day for him was far too long. It felt just as bad as if it were for longer.

Before long, Carson started to stir awake. Rodney didn't have it in him to turn around to face his partner, so instead just lay there as if he were asleep.

"Rodney?" Carson uttered, still bleary. When he didn't get a response, he jolted his eyes open and sat upright.

"Rodney?" He asked again, louder this time, and then shook Rodney's shoulder. He couldn't help feeling panicked. He tugged hard to roll Rodney onto his back, and was shocked to see the scientist's eyes wide open and staring back at him.

"Rodney, why didn't you answer? You scared me."

Rodney just averted his eyes and tried to sink into himself.  
"Rodney… please talk to me." Carson said, trying to keep Rodney facing him.  
"I can't say anything that will help." Rodney mumbled.

"You don't to help, love. We're here to help you. And just saying anything will help you."

"I don't know if I can express it."

Carson sighed, and started to stroke Rodney's arm softly.

"Doesn't matter if it's eloquent or even accurate. Just don't keep it all bottled up. Or…or is it that you just don't want to talk to me in particular?" Carson asked, needing to know even if the answer hurt.

"No, I … I just don't know … I'm sorry."  
"Do you feel like you have to be strong for me? Is that why you didn't talk to me before?"

"What? No… um, maybe… kinda. It's all just a mess… but I did feel like I couldn't fall apart or sound like I was around you, cause you expected me to be strong like I used to…"

"Oh Rodney." Carson stated, and put his hand over his face to rub his eyes.

"You listen to me. I don't care if you break down. I'm a doctor, I can help with that… but I can't help unless you let me know. It doesn't matter if you look weak or whatever - you're dealing with things that are overwhelming and no one can have any say on it. You're strong by just staying around and trying to get over it. There's nothing wrong with needing help, and nothing wrong with falling apart. It doesn't change who you are, just means you're brave enough to let people see how bad it is so we can all help."

Carson kissed Rodney on the forehead, and then got out of bed. Rodney still felt awful, but Carson's words did help. He at least felt more comfortable with people knowing he wasn't alright, and so could probably talk about it more and not let as much stay hidden. He still felt the urge to harm himself, and to be in dangerous situations… but for the moment, the urge to seriously end his life had abated.


	25. Escaping

_Sorry this has been a while coming, I have been thinking hard about what is coming up in the story. I have concluded that I will be including an M Rated scene - I feel that it is too important to the characters' development to leave out. But I am warning that the next chapter after this will be mostly M rated for some rather explicit M/M action. Please don't read it if you dislike that kind of thing, I have made it a separate chapter so people don't accidentally read it - but it is a continuation of the end of this chapter._

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Rodney sat on the bed, bored. He wasn't allowed to leave, but wasn't allowed to do anything while there either. Carson had insisted he go with him to work, which had seemed a nice idea at the time… but now, he wanted some freedom.

It wasn't that he was being ignored, but he was being just 'looked in on'. All the staff of the infirmary occasionally poked their heads around corners and beds just to glimpse that he was still there, but none of them cared to come up and talk to him. Dr Heightmyer had come by, and he'd had a good talk with her. He hadn't bothered trying to pretend, or try make it seem like he was better. He didn't even have to hide that he had been seeing her before. But, she still had other things to do and so he'd been left alone.

Rodney huffed. Why wasn't Carson paying more attention to him? He HAD tried to kill himself, and the next day on, was like nothing major had happened. He didn't care if it sounded selfish, it seemed perfectly reasonable to expect more attention than the glance of a random doctor after a suicide attempt.  
"I mean, what's really stopping me just leaving and going home?" Rodney uttered to himself. He then got the idea to test that… and so sat up, stood, and casually walked away. He tried not to meet anyone's eye, and made sure that he looked like he was supposed to be walking about.

He managed to slip out the door and into the hallways, and walked away.

"Humph, that was a lot easier than it should have been." Rodney huffed to himself as he walked back home. He was annoyed to begin with, but as he walked away, his mood dropped sharply. No one noticed that he disappeared. Suddenly he was overwhelmed by sadness. He didn't care for what people thought anymore, and so just curled up on the ground where he was and started crying.

Two marines walked by, and exchanged nervous glances between each other and kept walking. Not long after, a scientist walking back to his quarters heard Rodney's sobs and went investigating. He found the man curled up against a pillar, not even hidden away from everyone. He walked up to him and knelt down.

"Dr McKay, can I help you with something?" He asked, as there was clearly something wrong.

"No, er…you can't. Probably only Carson can and he can't be bothered." Rodney muttered as he looked to see who it was. He recognised the man, being one of the pudgier scientists, but also as a very kind and caring soul.

"Thank you, though." Rodney said as the other man sad down with him.

"I'm sure Dr Beckett would do anything to help you. Carson's always been eager to help with anything."

"Oh, you… you know him well, do you?" Rodney sniffed. He intended saying it in a snide manner, but it became genuine once he'd started.

"Fairly, yeah. I'm one of the few scientists here that also studied medicine at some point, and so he's been helping me get up to speed to work as a nurse or field medic if needed in a crisis. To be honest, I can't really do much open trauma stuff… it's part of why I stopped in the first place. He's nice about it though."

"Oh, so you mean you're collegues." Rodney said, not sure why he was trying to out-compete for Carson's affections.

"I guess we started out that way but he's a good mate now." The scientist said, his Australian accent bleeding through. Rodney squinted at him to get a better look at his face in a hope to remember his name.

"Dr McKay, I know just from what Carson's told me that you're not going so well right now… it's ok, though. I've had a lot of trouble with the same in the past, so I get what it can be like. You can talk to me if you need, I'm not qualified or anything, but I just wanna offer in case you find it hard to open up to people you're around all the time."  
"Thanks, er…" Rodney responded, realising it was now too late to pretend he knew the man's name.

"Dr McTaegan."

"Right. Well, I should probably go."

"No worries, don't let me stop you." He spoke, his accent poking though strongly again.

"I… I just don't know where."

"Don't worry, sometimes that happens. Just go where you feel you need to be, and if you don't want to be there, go somewhere else." Dr McTaegan said, shrugging as he got up.

"Though, if you don't mind me saying, you might like to go where you'll find some comfort. Sometimes just feeling someone is there for you that you care about is enough to help."

The man smiled and then left. Rodney was skeptical of his advice to go back to Carson - he was still a little mad and hurt that it had been so easy to just walk away. But it was true… he did want to be cared about by Carson, and to feel him being there to support him. So, as a compromise, Rodney decided to go wait for the doctor in his quarters.

He turned around and walked back towards the infirmary. He knew Carson's shift would be over soon, and so he wouldn't have to wait long alone. Rodney didn't get the chance, however, as he was grabbed suddenly by two marines accompanied by a doctor.

"We've got him, we're headed back to you." The doctor spoke into his radio.

"Oi, let go of me!" Rodney snapped, resisting the grip of the man and woman holding him.

"No, sir, we must take you back to the infirmary." The woman spoke, her voice detached.

"Well I can walk on my own!" Rodney said, still struggling. The marines looked at the doctor, who nodded, and they let him go.

"Dr McKay, you must return with us or you will be sedated and carried there, is that understood?"

Rodney nodded gruffly, however was a little pleased that at least now he was receiving some due concern. He walked with the guards back to the infirmary, where he was lead back to his same bed.

"No, that'll do, thank you." A familiar Scottish voice spoke from behind him. The guards nodded and left, having been stationed at the door.

"You, Rodney, are coming with me." Carson said, and Rodney turned to face him. He didn't expect what he saw. The doctor looked very angry. He looked like he was tired, and under a lot of strain, but there was an energy vibrating out of him that Rodney couldn't place. To be honest with himself, he was a little scared. He hadn't seen Carson like this before. Was Carson going to restrain him in isolation? Or even hit him?

Suddenly Rodney felt guilty over leaving Carson today when he knew how hard it had been on him lately. A voice in his head told him that Carson should have been paying more attention, but he knew that Carson had other duties to perform that couldn't be overlooked to sit with him. It wasn't often that Rodney felt sympathy for the position of others, but at this moment he felt sorry about position Carson was in. It was hard to remember that others were hurting too, when he felt so horrid.

Rodney's stomach dropped and he felt a panic overwhelm him as Carson forcefully grabbed him by the arm and pulled him. It was so uncharacteristic, he wasn't sure what was about to happen. He was practically dragged out of the infirmary, and down the hallway.

"C-Carson? What are you doing?" Rodney stammered.

"I need you." Was all Carson responded.

"For what?" Rodney asked. He knew Carson likely meant just to be alive, and his disappearance scared him, but there was still that worry that Carson was going to chain him up somewhere to be SURE that he wouldn't go anywhere.


	26. Explicit

_Reminder that this chapter contains M/M sexual activity - however is not written as 'erotica' (ie, not to make the audience aroused)._

* * *

_ THE FOLLOWING SCENE IS CLASSIFIED M _

* * *

Carson opened the door to his quarters, and pushed Rodney in ahead of him. He followed, his breath hard and rapid with his gaze fixed squarely on the cowering scientist barely half a metre in front of him. Rodney was preparing himself for a loud shouting session, but there was no noise from Carson after the door shut. Instead, Carson grabbed him by the clothing in front of his chest, and swished him around to slam against the door. There was a tense moment between them as Carson glared at Rodney.

"Carson? I'm… I'm sorry…" Rodney mumbled, feeling very uncomfortable with the aggressiveness Carson was displaying. It was only now that Rodney regretted his actions, as he prepared to be punched. Carson said nothing, and much to Rodney's surprise and relief, forcefully kissed him.

Rodney was stunned against the door while Carson snogged him. The doctor needed Rodney, needed to feel him against his body. When Rodney had disappeared, something inside him had just snapped. He had felt an urgency to just hold Rodney close since he'd caught him in the act, but today it became just downright desperate. He just had to feel Rodney was alive, convince his body that his mind was right. He felt like his skin was crawling with a mix of need and anxiety, and he still had a deep yearning for feeling pain.

Rodney had started to kiss Carson back, getting over the shock of it all. They didn't really kiss much, so the whole experience was rather different. Carson's lungs stung for air, but he ignored it. He forced his tongue through Rodney's lips, and the scientist yielded to the advance and opened his mouth. After only a few moments, Carson felt Rodney pull away as much as possible, and so he broke the kiss. Rodney gasped for air, and looked at Carson inquisitively. Carson still had Rodney's shirt in his clutches, and so pulled him closer so their noses met.

"I NEED you." Carson said again, and tugged on Rodney's shirt to get it off.

This time Carson said those words, they weren't angry sounding, but instead lustful. Rodney felt tingles run down his spine to his groin, and coughed awkwardly.

"Carson…"

"Don't talk, just take off my clothes." Carson ordered. He wanted to be submissive to Rodney, but it was hard to initiate and be dominated.

There was a gleam in his eyes that said Carson wasn't open for negotiation. The scientist obliged, rather enjoying being given permission to take the lead. Without much effort, as Carson helped a lot, Rodney had taken off the doctor's clothes down to his underwear. Rodney felt warm throbbing in his crotch from noticing a distinct bulge at the front of Carson's blue striped jocks. Deciding that Rodney was taking too long, Carson started pulling off Rodney's shirt. Within an instant, Carson had shed Rodney of the blue shirt, and had his pants down at his ankles. He then pressed his naked chest against Rodney's, pressing him into the hard door.

"Ack! That's cold, Carson…" Rodney squealed, but Carson didn't care. He rested his head on Rodney's shoulder and revelled in the feeling of their bare skin touching. Carson's internal turbulence felt calmed at the feeling of warmth radiating outwards from Rodney, another reassurance that Rodney was still alive.

Rodney ran his hands down Carson's back, tentatively at first, and then harder after receiving encouraging exhales from the doctor. Rodney's fingers elicited tingles that shot down Carson's spine, and his body shivered in response. He really wanted Rodney's fingernails to dig in and scratch him, but felt it was too early to bring up those desires. Instead, he kissed the tender skin in the nape of Rodney's neck, and closed his eyes to hear him breathe.

"Carson? What's going on?" Rodney asked after a moment of nothing happening.

"What's going on is you, Rodney McKay, are going to take me and fuck me hard." Carson responded crudely.

Rodney's voice faulted, releasing nothing but a squeak. What _was_ going on? Carson never used such language or … sentences. It certainly was having the desired reaction, however. Rodney willingly followed, stepping out of his pants still around his ankles, as Carson grabbed his wrist and tugged him towards the bed.

Once they were both standing before the bed, Carson grabbed Rodney's face and kissed him deeply again. Rodney wasn't so shocked this time and so kissed back, grabbing Carson by the waist. The doctor wrapped his arms around Rodney's neck, and then let himself fall backwards onto the bed… taking Rodney with him. He let out a short exclamation, and fell right on top of Carson. Rodney was about to apologise, but Carson groaned happily. The feeling of not only Rodney's warm skin against his own, but the shifting weight of the scientist, was very pleasurable. _He is here, alive, on me._ Carson repeated to himself, the turmoil inside subsiding even further. He enjoyed the pressure placed upon his chest, restricting his breathing. _Yes, I need this. I almost lost him because of my incompetence as a doctor and partner, I deserve this and more._ Carson told himself.

Rodney was aware his weight was pressing down upon Carson, but every time he tried to slide off, Carson would fight him. Carson could see the confusion in his lover's eyes, but didn't explain anything. If Rodney knew even just a little of the desires rolling around inside him, he would likely not want to participate. The guilt of it made Carson feel worse, and desire more pain as punishment… which lead to the desire of being used by Rodney, so it was a vicious cycle.

"Rodney, I am yours… don't hesitate for anything." Carson uttered.

"I… I er, don't even really know what that means…" Rodney admitted.

"I want you, all of you, hard… and I want you to take what you want."

"Yeah that didn't really help." Rodney said, his voice jumping register at the end when Carson bucked his hips upwards. Electricity jolted up through Rodney's body at the movement, and he became aware of just how hard he'd become. He was still a little skeptical about Carson's motives, but the feelings building in his stomach were quickly becoming the dominating thought process.

Carson smiled at how easy it was to tease his partner. He himself was only semi-erect, but he could feel Rodney's stiff member pressing against him. He wanted to make this as pleasurable for Rodney as possible, he deserved as much. So with a strength that defied his build, Carson flipped their positions so that he was atop of Rodney.

Carson slid his hand down Rodney's bare chest, over his stomach, and down over the bulge in his underwear. He pressed hard against it, getting a moan in response, and then slid a finger underneath the material on both legs and expertly pulled it down. Rodney hummed at the feeling of being released from the confines of his jocks, and then at the feeling of Carson's strong hands stroking his length. Carson knew it was rather unsanitary, but he wanted to have that adrenaline kick from the dangers… and so licked the tip of Rodney's cock. Before Rodney had even finished his exhale, Carson dove down and took his entire length in his mouth.

He could feel his throat wanting to close up, and the gag reflex to spit out the foreign object, but Carson resisted the urge and kept the shaft in his mouth. He proceeded to move his head up and down over the length, enjoying hearing Rodney's noises all the while. The uncomfortable feeling of gagging wasn't doing enough for Carson's desires, and so he released Rodney. He also didn't want Rodney to get too close just yet, not when he had other things in mind.

"Car…snn." Rodney uttered, tingling all over from the feeling of Carson's mouth sucking him. The doctor slid up to lick both of Rodney's nipples, and then kiss him gently. The tantalising noises Rodney had made were now having an effect on Carson. Carson bucked his hips so that his now-firm length rubbed alongside Rodney's, the saliva making it fairly easy. Noticing that Rodney seemed to rather enjoy it, he slid both his arms under Rodney's so that he could grasp his shoulders. With his new leverage, Carson started a slow rhythm of thrusts up along Rodney's body.

"Hold me." Carson instructed, and Rodney embraced the doctor while he moved.

Carson could hear Rodney panting in his ear, the breath hot and tingling. _Alive._ He then picked up the pace, and rested his head on Rodney's chest while giving some harder thrusts. Rodney's heart pounded loud enough for Carson to hear. _Alive._ He felt Rodney grip onto the skin on his back, delightful pain radiating from where the man's nails dug in. _Alive._

"Yes, scratch me Rodney." Carson uttered, and Rodney was too euphoric to question. He kept his nails dug into the Scot's back, and dragged them downwards. Carson hummed at the pain, feeling as if he was atoning for his transgressions against Rodney.

Carson, still listening to the sound of Rodney's breathing, noticed it was beginning to hitch. He then stopped his movements, and let the scientist calm down for a bit. Carson sat upright, his pelvis remaining against Rodney's, but in such a way that the majority of his weight wasn't resting on his partner.

Rodney gave him a 'why did you stop?' look, but Carson just smiled in return. He slowly took a grasp of both their cocks in his hand, and softly stroked up and down. Carson eyed Rodney's member longingly, desire building up inside him to be taken and filled. He needed it.

"Rodney, I need to feel you in me." Carson spoke, is voice hoarse. Rodney said nothing in response, but Carson could feel the pulsing reaction in his hand. _Alive._

Carson moved off Rodney, and then positioned himself on his hands and knees facing the head end of the bed.

"Where's the lube and condoms?" Rodney asked as he sat up.

"Don't need them." Carson spoke, knowing that it meant only more pain for him.

"No, you're a doctor, you should know better." Rodney said, not scolding, but just informing. Carson sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Top drawer." Carson said, and watched as Rodney fetched the items and prepared himself. He breathed deeply, remembering this was about Rodney's comfort and his discomfort… and so if Rodney wanted them, he was going to have them.

Rodney was a little hesitant. He had been a little unsure about Carson's desire to be scratched (afterwards, at least), and now the comments about no lube and condoms made it seem like Carson was trying to get hurt. He didn't really want to be the cause of more harm to Carson. But it was only just a thought, and it was possible that Carson was so glad to see him that his inner kinks were coming out, and Rodney didn't want to make it seem not ok for him to have them. Either way, Carson did ultimately want this, and so did he. Rodney pushed the thoughts aside.

Carson felt Rodney hold onto his hips and align himself. He prepared for the sharp stab, but instead tingled at the feeling of cold lube being smeared on his entrance. He exhaled, but then sharply inhaled again when he felt the hard tip of Rodney's cock press against his anus.

"Thrust it all in Rodney!" Carson snapped after a moment of no movement.

"Alright…" Rodney said, sounding hesitant. He slid all the way inside Carson, right until his pelvis pressed against Carson's butt cheeks.

Carson moaned loudly, revelling in the feeling of the large cock penetrating him. _Alive._ Pain radiated outwards, and his sphincter reactively tried closing. He was glad that Rodney pushed forward despite the added pressure. He knelt there, panting in pain and pleasure, waiting for Rodney's next move. When there wasn't any for a few seconds, Carson rocked gently to feel more of the intense mixed feelings of pain and pleasure. _Yes, this is what I need._

"Hnnn." Rodney hummed at the tight feeling encasing him. Carson seemed eager beneath him, and so he didn't hesitate - as requested. He grabbed a tighter hold of Carson's hips, and thrusted forcefully. Carson clawed at the bed, groaning at each thrust. He was in exquisite agony; he felt aroused at the thoughts and feelings of Rodney fucking him hard, and sharp stinging of the abuse his anus endured... his desire for punishment was being fulfilled, but he wanted more.

"Hit me, Rodney..." Carson exhaled.

"Huh? How?" Rodney puffed, getting exhausted already. He wanted to oblige Carson's desires, but didn't want to do it wrong and ruin the mood.

"Slap me!" Carson begged. Rodney felt a little out of his depth, but figured there must be some truth to what he'd seen in films. He tried to slap Carson's arse, but couldn't reach in his current position. But the movement reminded him that his body was aching, and now that the passionate desire was faded, he could really feel how exhausted he was.

Carson could feel Rodney struggle, and then flop his weight down upon him.

"Can't... too... tired..." Rodney huffed, his abdominals burning.

Carson's arms shook holding up Rodney's weight, and Rodney noticed. He lifted himself up, and pulled out.

"Don't worry, I'm not stopping." Rodney teased. "I have now better access for other things."

Rodney gave a smirk, and slapped Carson on the rear.

"Omhr, yes." Carson uttered, adrenaline surging at the sharp sting.

"Oh, you like that?" Rodney cooed, enjoying some playful fun.

"Harder..." Carson mouthed, and Rodney struck again, this time leaving a pink hand mark. The doctor yelped at the pain, but then hummed happily. _Alive. And punishing as he should._

"I'm sorry." Rodney uttered.

"Why? This is good..." Carson responded.

"You... don't seem to be enjoying this anymore." Rodney said awkwardly, noticing Carson had gone limp. It took a moment, but Carson understood what Rodney meant.

"Oh, no, no, that's fine. I...I just need to feel you." Carson said. It wasn't a lie, just not the whole truth.

Rodney wrapped his arm around Carson's chest, and pulled him down onto the bed, and lay beside him so they were spooning. Even though he enjoyed being manhandled, Carson felt ... unworthy ... of the soft gentle strokes Rodney made on his chest. His stomach dropped while he had a thought - _if he cares so much for me, why did he try leave?_ But he soon scolded himself for such thoughts, knowing Rodney wasn't thinking that way at the time. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath and focused on Rodney's warmth against his skin. _Alive._

Rodney began to stroke Carson's length while bucking his hips, sending waves of pleasure through Carson's body. He shivered at the feel of Rodney's still hard cock pressing against his rear, the tip sliding into the gap and sliding along down to his perineum. It only took a few strokes and thrusts to make Carson hard again, much to Rodney's delight.

"Enter me, Rodney..." Carson spoke in hushed tones.

Rodney used some more lube before entering again, slowly. Carson's breath hitched and he exhaled dramatically at the feel of being filled again.

"This is better, I can hold you now." Rodney whispered in Carson's ear, and Carson internally agreed. He felt much better being held in the secure grasp of his lover, and with the pain and 'fullness' returned to his body. Carson didn't have to specify for Rodney to hold him tightly; it was the result of Rodney's hard thrusting. Rodney was already getting close again, and the desperation he displayed reassured Carson deep down that he was very much alive and with him. Despite the situation, Carson was feeling much calmer than he had in days.

"Bite me, Rodney, please..." Carson asked, and his partner obliged; Rodney grabbed onto Carson's trapezius muscle with his teeth and softly bit down. It was just hard enough to leave marks, but without any damage. Carson moaned in response, and admittedly enjoyed it more than he should have. Rodney did it again, making Carson's muscle jump in surprise, but causing the same result none the less. Carson could feel Rodney's breath against his tender, damp skin moving up towards his neck. Rodney was panting, and the moist air caused tingles to run down Carson's spine. He noticed that the movements were becoming more jerked, and Rodney had increased his grip on Carson's body, as he drew nearer to climax.

"Car...son... gonna..." Rodney exhaled as a warning.

"Rodney, fill me!" Carson all but shouted, having looked forward to feeling Rodney's release.

"Con...dom." Rodney reminded, his muscles shaking from being overworked.

"Please, off..." Carson begged, pulling away from Rodney, causing his cock to pop out.

Rodney was so close, desperate for release, and so just did as he was asked. With a quick motion of his hand, the condom was shed and Rodney shoved his length back inside his love.

"Oh, God, yes." Carson exclaimed, noticing the sting of less lubrication and looking forward to what was coming. He needed it, no question. Rodney McKay was alive, there, and with him as close as possible.

Rodney thrust hard, grabbing onto Carson's hips, and moaned. Carson could feel Rodney's body tense, and then the feeling of warm liquid spilling out inside him. Rodney continued to moan as his body pulsed from his orgasm, moving slowly to ride out the waves of pleasure. Carson revelled in the feeling of Rodney's cock pulsing inside him, the gentle slick from cum as Rodney slid in and out, and the soft moans near his ear. Even though he hadn't finished, he felt like he had released; his whole body felt warm and relaxed from tension lifting. He lay there with Rodney panting, the scientist flopped half over him.

"You... you didn't finish. We can switch?" Rodney spoke once he caught his breath.

"No, it's fine, really. I got what I needed." Carson said, breathing deeply. "Just lay here with me and hold me close."

Rodney happily embraced Carson as he rolled over to face him. The doctor shifted so his head lay upon Rodney's chest, so he could listen to Rodney's heartbeat slowly return to normal. Rodney softly stroked Carson's back, still reeling from his orgasm.

"I'm here, Carson." Rodney whispered.

"I know."


	27. Healing Together

_I hope you all found the last chapter acceptable, and that it did serve a purpose. Thanks for the reviews so far, and to just say something to the lovely abilenevespa: I totally agree with you, but I really needed to put it in... hopefully this chapter will explain a bit more!_

* * *

Carson sat on the edge of the bed, with his head in his hands. How could he have done that? He was overwhelmed with guilt, and anger towards himself. He'd uttered an apology to the sleeping form beside him, sprawled out and snoring, but it was more as practice for when Rodney woke. He sighed and looked up to the roof. He was a doctor, how on earth did he want sex as a self harm? He'd gotten a small rectal tear, and so felt a constant uncomfortable throb from his rear. But he knew that just happens sometimes, and wasn't a serious issue. His demand of no condoms, were, however, serious. At least he knew Rodney didn't have HIV, but he needed to get himself tested anyway. More embarrassingly, he would need to get Rodney tested. Just to be sure. It was really pressuring on him; a little injury could be just forgotten, and they'd just heal... but STIs could be lifelong.

"What's up, Carson?"

Carson looked down and saw Rodney peering at him. Carson's stomach dropped.  
"Thinking. Regretting…"  
"What? You regret last night? I…I'm…"  
"Relax, Rodney, it's my actions, not your performance or the decision to do things with you."  
Rodney sighed relief, after suddenly fearing Carson was rejecting him.

"What do you mean then?" Rodney asked, sitting up.  
"I… I never should have forced you to be so rough."  
"Oh, that? I don't mind, Carson, I mean, if you like that kind of stuff, then I'm…"

"No, not really that. I mean I do like some things kinda like that but not quite that … way. What I mean is… I was desperate for feeling you were alive, Rodney."  
"I gathered."  
"But I also tried to use doing things rough and dangerous as a kind of punishment."  
Rodney suddenly felt a bit awkward.

"Punishment? Er, what do you mean?" Rodney asked, coughing uncomfortably.

"I never really understood what you meant when you talked about that desire for self harm. Not until I felt it yesterday when I saw I'd lost you again. I felt like I had failed you again, and I just felt overwhelmed by the need to be punished for it. I hadn't felt like that before. I wanted you to hurt me…"  
"It's alright, Carson…" Rodney tried to say, but couldn't think about reasons to support it.

"No, it's not… I crossed the line, love… I should never put you in that position."  
"Carson! Stop blaming yourself so much. I get what it's like, and I don't hate you for doing it. You weren't thinking normal, and that's just what it's like when you're stuck in that mentality of self harming. I would cut, and think of nothing but wanting that pain and blood. I wouldn't think that you'd see it later on and a huge issue would come, I didn't think about how I would hurt you that I did it and didn't come to you first… those kinds of things just don't come to mind, and it's not because you're being selfish but because you just are in a different mindset."  
"That's pretty deep, Rodney."  
"I've had a long time to sit and think about things that are deep, lately. Experience makes you wise, I guess." Rodney said, shrugging, and patted Carson on the shoulder.

"I still never should have asked you not to use the condom." Carson spoke in a hushed tone.

"I did kinda object, cause that's… yeah, not really a good idea… but what's done is done. Again, it's just cause you were thinking of the desire for harm, and the consequences and other things that might affect your decision just don't apply for some reason. The fact that it was an obvious bad idea just doesn't register. I get that, really."

Carson turned to face Rodney, and hugged him close.

"I don't think I really understood what it was like for you until now. All the training and medical advice doesn't really give the same understanding. I'm sorry, Rodney, for guilting you for not coming to me. For harming yourself. For thinking it was as simple as just getting you to talk to people about it all. I… I never considered just how much your thinking changes in those moments."

Rodney just held him for a while, stroking gently down Carson's back. There were faint red marks from where he'd scratched him. His eyes wandered about to see if there were any other injuries, and noticed some blood on the sheets.

"Are you hurt, Carson?" Rodney asked. Carson just shook his head.

"Nothing bad, physically."

"It's just there's blood…"  
"Oh, small rectal tear, it'll be fine. But, er, I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to test our blood for any infections from my… mistake."

Rodney knew what Carson was asking, but decided it was better to just let him do the tests than tell him he was fine. Instead, he wanted to continue talking about some more of the deep emotional things. It wasn't often he felt like it was the right time to discuss these things, and wanted to take advantage of it.

"We all make mistakes, Carson. It's just what happens when we try deal with things without being able to think properly. I mean, I still feel just as horrible as when I tried to end my life, but these past couple of days have made me see that trying to do it was a mistake. I wanted to escape because I didn't see a way of it getting better… and I didn't see the pain it caused, and honestly I didn't care about it. I just wasn't in a place to care. But my team have been really open to me being not ok … I don't have to pretend all the time, and that's a big relief. I didn't realise how much hurt and just… restriction… that was causing me. I admit I still have episodes where I am back to that same mental state, where I don't consider the bigger picture and consequences and all. But at least I guess I'm a bit more aware of it now?" Rodney spoke, trying not to ramble. Carson listened intensely, nodding occasionally.

"To be honest, Carson, I really want to just be able to tell you that I'm there in that place and have you know what to do, and not judge me for it. And I didn't think I could until now, really. I always felt like you would stand over me as the great doctor and expect me to just make myself think properly, as if it was just a matter of effort. To just deal with all the emotions." Rodney said, looking directly into Carson's eyes. He could see the pain that Carson felt from his words, but knew he needed to say it.

"I'm really sorry you felt that way, Rodney. I… I felt like I didn't know how to go to you to help, and just expected you'd come to me for everything. Most of the training and stuff I have is all about how to deal with the patient when they tell you things or behave a certain way … it doesn't say a whole lot about how to help someone that isn't just coming to you and telling you everything." Carson admitted.

There was just silence for a while, as the two held each other. While things were roughly as bad as it had been for both of them, they at least felt like the other understood. And for Rodney, that was the most important thing. He started to feel like there might be a way to work out the problems and survive. Maybe not be free, but live.

"It's really hard for me to come to anyone for help. I spent my whole life being the achiever, and even here, it's usually up to me to be the saviour of everyone. I have to always be able to be relied on, and so that makes me feel like it's too uncomfortable to go to people being anything other than reliable." Rodney said after a while.

"I can understand that, love, but know it's not true. At least not with those closest to you."  
"I don't know if I will be able to do it, Carson."  
"Come to me for help? Or any of us?"  
"Yeah." Rodney responded, not entirely sure that was what he was talking about, but conceded anyway.  
"Well, what if I helped? I can try come to you and ask if you are alright more often? Give you the permission to be not ok and get some help?" Carson offered, hoping that it might make a difference.  
"That might be nice, yeah." Rodney said, still unsure, but willing to hope that it might work.

"It's not going to just be better, Carson. It's going to be a long time… if ever…" Rodney added.  
"Obviously, you silly bugger. Of course I don't expect you to just get better over the next couple days of me asking you how you are." Carson exclaimed, giggling.  
"I just mean, I'm not being … unhelpful, or …or, like, unwilling to try to get better and all…if things stay like they are." Rodney mumbled.  
"I know, love. I am still a doctor, you know, and so do know a little about what goes on."  
"Right, sorry. Well, sometimes." Rodney blushed as he apologised, but smiled while he hinted to last night, trying to remind the doctor that he wasn't angry over his actions.  
"Hehe, yeah… that. Well, as awkward as recent events are, I think at least some good came of it."  
"Hm?"  
"I got to understand you a whole lot better. And, hopefully, that'll be enough to help you get back to being alright again."

Carson smiled, and kissed Rodney gently.  
"And…" Carson added, pressing his hand against Rodney's chest. "Being alright again doesn't mean that you're not allowed to have down times as well."  
Rodney nodded, glad that Carson added that last part. He knew it was mostly to try and placate the anxious voice inside his head that would say that once he was better, he had to stay better… and that pressure made it impossible to even start on the road to recovery.


	28. Hard Work and Progress

Rodney had been restricted to light duty once Carson had been confident enough to release him from the infirmary. He'd expected initially to get looks from everyone, and the usual hushed chatter as he walked by. But instead he'd just been greeted with smiles from those he looked at directly in the eye, and ignored by the rest. It was, in fact, better treatment than he received before Doranda.

John had been respectful towards him. Elizabeth had stopped demanding things from him and that he act a certain way. Teyla and Ronon basically treated him the same, except didn't even blink if he said he needed some extra time for whatever reason. Carson was still watching him closely, but that was understandable at least. Overall, people were treating him pretty good, and Rodney felt much better for it. He didn't really understand just how much other people's opinions and treatments affected him until he'd witnessed the change. He had been secretly terrified, covering up panic inside, once he'd been released. But now, all that anxiety had just taken a back seat. It wasn't gone; he could feel that it all could come back full force the moment someone said something even seemingly innocuous, but he was glad to be free from it all the time none the less.

Carson had convinced him to start taking antidepressants the day after he'd tried to escape from the infirmary. He'd been on them for about a month now, maybe a little longer, and he was actually feeling a bit better. He wasn't sure if it was because of the meds, or the change in attitude towards him, or both, but he didn't really mind. All the dark feelings and thoughts were still there inside him, but it was easier to put them aside. He didn't know if that's what he was supposed to be doing, but it helped. Carson said that it was fine as long as he didn't just keep ignoring them and let them build up hidden below the surface. The doctor was worried it'd all explode one day and overwhelm him, and make him attempt again. Rodney couldn't say that he was wrong.

The one thing that he'd been worried about most was the medication affecting his problem solving ability and sharpness of mind. Carson had managed to convince him by arguing that he wouldn't be required to be the 'saviour' while he was still struggling with suicide, and that he might as well try since if he did die, then he wouldn't be there to help anyone with his mind anyway. Rodney still didn't like the idea that he would need to likely change medications, even a few times, until one worked. As a physicist it was a difficult thing to understand that the same problem could have different solutions; so one medicine might work to treat the same thing in others but not him. But, he'd agreed to try, so he tried not to let it bother him and just hope instead the one Carson thought best would work from the start.

Rodney had spent a lot of time in his lab going over some old projects, mostly to make sure that he could still concentrate and understand them. Sure it could be a little paranoid as his boyfriend suggested, but he didn't care. He was doing something constructive at least. Radek had stayed in close proximity to him for most of the day, and Rodney didn't know if it was because he had been asked to keep an eye on him or he just chose to do it himself. He tried to bury the thoughts that Radek was watching him to spot out mistakes in his work. The Czech's friendly demeanour, and disinterest in Rodney's projects, helped to keep the scientist from thinking such things about his colleague-come-friend.

His appointments with Dr Heightmyer had become less frequent, going from daily to every second day, and now twice a week. He was glad to be on the expedition in that regard: the psychiatrist's job was to help just the expedition members, and so he'd been bumped up to the priority list after his attempt. Carson had admitted to him that he had spoken to Dr Heightmyer and requested such frequent sessions. As it turned out, people back on Earth usually didn't get such regular help even after suicide attempts. It made him sad to think that there were people out there who felt as he did, who tried to end their lives the same as him, but were so alone or considered insignificant that they were sent on their way without any intervention or support. Just maybe an appointment with someone once a fortnight. Or put in hospital for a few days then nothing following up. He wasn't sure he'd have been able to get to this point without so many people looking out for him.

It was the second appointment this week for him today, and he was waiting out the front of the doctor's office. It was nice, not having to be embarrassed from seeing her.

"Rodney, come in."

Rodney smiled and got up, and walked in to the usual seat.

"How have you been since we last talked." Kate asked.

"Alright, I guess. Just spending most of my time looking over old projects, or just thinking. Or spending time with Carson."  
"Oh, good, how is that going?"  
"Fine? I enjoy his company, and I think he enjoys mine."  
"Come on Rodney, we both know he loves you dearly. Of course he enjoys spending time with you."  
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Rodney said, blushing a little.

"Was the there anything you wanted to talk about today in particular?" Kate asked, and Rodney scrunched up his face in thought.  
"I... I honestly don't know. I guess cause there's so much I could say, I don't know what is more important?"  
"That's alright, and it doesn't matter what's most important. Tuesday we talked about the urges for self harm, would you like to continue talking about that?"  
"Um, sure." Rodney said. It was still a little uncomfortable to talk about, but Dr Heightmyer had been very understanding about it.

"Have you done any since we last spoke?" Kate asked, no tone of insinuation in her voice.  
"No, but I have wanted to. I just tried hard to resist, since I know Carson doesn't like it."  
"That's good. I can understand it might feel restrictive, or like a pressure placed upon you, that Carson doesn't like you harming yourself. But I know we've talked about him disliking it because of not wanting to see harm come to you, not because you feel you have to come to it."

Rodney nodded. It did feel like he was under pressure to not harm, and often that made him feel trapped, but ultimately he wanted to do what he could to get better and make Carson happier.

"It is, yeah, but ... I want to try, for him, you know? I mean I still have the urge, almost all the time, but sometimes it gets so bad and I don't know what to do."  
"What do you do, in those times?"

"I ... I talk to Radek. He's offered to be there, and he's actually a really good listener. I mean I still enjoy poking fun at him and all, but it's become more just professional banter to cover up that he's a good friend now. I know I should go to Carson, and I talk to him about it afterwards, but at the time I find it too hard to bring it up with him. I guess it's because of that pressure? I don't know. Carson always seems to want to fix it, you know? Fix the wound, or talk about the consequences, or try stop the feelings and urges. Radek just listens. He asks a couple questions but just waits, and never tries to make me feel like I can't cut. Like, that he's there to help me not do it but it's my choice and he'll help afterwards just the same."

"It's ok, that makes a lot of sense, don't worry. I understand Carson's nature is to help and prevent harm, and I know it's hard for him to allow harm. I know you've said he's much more understanding about the urge to harm, but he's still a doctor... and he will always try to prevent harm innately. I guess that's where that pressure comes from, even when he's trying hard to be supportive. It's good that you have Radek there for that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not condoning self harm in any way. But it seems having that freedom is helping you choose not to hurt yourself, and that's the most important thing."

Kate smiled at him. Rodney smiled back, glad that he can be open about the things that he really needed to resolve. And he felt a bit proud that the psychiatrist was glad he was doing the right thing to help himself. He felt like he was truly making progress.


	29. Happy Beginnings

_Sorry for the delay, life has been a bit challenging. But I give you the final installment of the story! I might end up writing another continuing from this, but for now I think it's time for this narrative to end. Thank you so much for all the support in reviews, I appreciate it. Hopefully I'll hear from you again in some other story ~_

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Carson opened the door to see Rodney sitting on the balcony, his legs dangling over the edge, and a bottle in his hand. The doctor gulped as his stomach dropped, and approached very slowly.

"Rodney?"  
"Carson? Hi." Rodney said as he turned around and saw Carson walking towards him.  
"Is everything ok? Why don't you come here and we can talk?"  
"Huh? No, things are fine. Just thinking, you know."  
"Alright, but why are you sitting over the balcony drinking?" Carson spoke carefully, still approaching closer… he was afraid he'd have to act quick and leap to catch the scientist.

Rodney turned his head to Carson again, who was considerably closer now, and smiled.  
"No it's uh, apple juice. Promise." Rodney said, lifting up the glass bottle for Carson to see.  
"Ok, but you're sure you don't want to talk about anything?" Carson said, seating himself beside Rodney.

Rodney exhaled.  
"I guess we could talk if you want, but really Carson… I'm fine. Well, you know, as can be."  
"So you're feeling ok?"  
"Yeah. I mean I still do feel down often, but it's not as bad as it was before the medication. Still have the anxiety, but I've always had that so that's not so bad really. It's like… I still feel crap, but I don't get stuck in it."  
"That's good to hear, Rodney. I will say, when I came in I got a bit worried about you."  
"Jumping? Nah. The way I tried last time was pretty good, so I would just use that again I reckon." Rodney said, much to Carson's horror.

"What? I'm not letting you near those things, not in your current state…"  
"Relax Carson, I'm not saying I'm going to run out and overdose again. I just meant that I'm not going to jump, and I had a lot of time to plan out the best ways before and jumping wasn't on that list."  
"You made a list?"  
"Yeah, well, that's kinda what I do, isn't it?"  
"Can I see it?" Carson asked, still feeling a ball of anxiety in his gut.

"I… I don't know if that's wise, I mean I don't want you to get upset about it." Rodney said, shrugging his shoulders and drinking more juice.  
Carson squinted at Rodney.  
"Are you sure you don't want to show me so I don't know what you might try next?"  
"No no, well maybe on some level." Rodney chuckled. "But if you really want to see it I can show you."  
Carson nodded. He put his hand on Rodney's back.

"I couldn't live with myself if I lost you, you know." Carson spoke after a small silence.  
"I don't know what I would do if I lost you either, Carson. I'm really sorry that I tried to leave you." Rodney responded, his voice low and quiet. Carson leaned his head against Rodney's shoulder.  
"I know love. It's not your fault, it just happens. We deal with it. All I can say is I'm glad you're still here. And that I'm going to do everything I can to keep you here."  
"Carson, you're doing plenty. Sure things are still hard, and I do still sometimes feel that urge to die, but I don't want to. You give me a reason to fight to stay."  
"I'm glad."  
"Everyone else being so understanding and supportive helps too, but you are the one that I stay for."  
"You know what? I stay for you too." Carson said, smiling.  
"Just me eh?" Rodney poked.  
"Arg, shut it. You know what I mean." Carson said, sitting up and giving Rodney a playful gentle shove.

The pair sat there in silence for some time, just enjoying watching the sun set over the ocean behind the city.  
"Carson, I can't help but be scared that I'm going to lose you, or you me, someday… beyond our control."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Our jobs put us in harm's way a lot… I mean, I've almost died often enough…"  
"I know, love. It worries me too. But we can't just leave. We're needed here."

Rodney sighed heavily.  
"Yeah. We're both needed here. People die all the time here, and you can't deny the mathematical probability that it'll be one of us eventually." Rodney said, beginning to ramble.  
Carson was struck quiet for a while. As a doctor, death was just part of his profession. But he never really thought about it as a real threat on himself or his love. It was rather upsetting.  
"Carson? You alright?"  
Carson sniffled, aware of the tears filling his eyes.  
"Yeah, Rodney. I just… I don't want to lose you."  
"Listen to me, eh? I'm going to do my very best to stick around here for you. For everyone, yes, but mostly for you, ok? Sure I can't promise anything beyond my control, but I can promise my determination to stay alive."  
"I don't want to pressure you, love…" Carson uttered, but didn't want to stop Rodney's promise.  
"I'll still feel down, and like ending it no doubt, but I will fight that hard to stay alive. And when something happens threatening my life and all our lives, like it happens, I'll try as hard as I can to save me, er, us. I love you, Carson."  
"I'm glad, and I love you too." Carson said, unsure what else to say.

"Well how about we get off this balcony? It's going to get cold soon. We can get dinner and snuggle for a while?" Carson offered.  
"Yeah that sounds good. I'm glad that I can just … be … around you. I don't have to hide anything. Just be honest and me." Rodney said as he stood, helping Carson to his feet afterwards.  
"Always, Rodney." Carson uttered.  
Carson smiled, chuckling inside at how he came here worried about Rodney jumping, and now he was assured of Rodney's determination to stay with him. It was very comforting.

"Listen Carson, I er… just … I was just thinking, about everything we just said, about never knowing when something'll happen and we could die at any moment …"  
"Aye?" Carson said, aware of how anxious Rodney suddenly became.  
"I just, well… it seems that, since we are…essentially being here for each other… and since, yeah, all that… I normally, er, think things over way too much but it's obvious we might not have time for that, so er…" Rodney rambled, the anxiety whirling inside of him. It was so spontaneous, so unlike him, but he knew he wanted it.  
"Rodney love, what is it?" Carson asked, curious and worried. Everything Rodney had been talking about had seem so life affirming, but he was acting like he was going to do something irrational… and it kind of scared him.

Rodney gulped, looked Carson in the eyes, and sunk onto one knee.  
"Carson…"  
"Oh god…" Carson said as he suddenly realised what was going on.  
"Carson, I know I'm not perfect, and I know I have a lot of issues still… but I want to be yours while I try make myself the man you deserve. If you'll have me, Carson, I would very much love to be your husband. I, er, don't have a ring ready, but I want to ask now… will you marry me?" Rodney asked, holding Carson's hand and continuing to stare into the doctor's sparkling blue eyes.

"Rodney… yes, of course I'll marry you! It's such a shock, I…I can't believe it's really happening." Carson said, tearing up again. "You don't have to change for me, love… but we will work on making things better, together."  
Rodney stood, and kissed his new fiancé as the sun set beside them.

Carson and Rodney had both decided they need not be overly touchy-feely around the inhabitants of the base. They were comfortable just being together, and quipping with each other as they normally did; and so they didn't feel like they needed to make everyone else always see that they were together by constantly kissing or cuddling. Everyone knew about their relationship anyway.

Rodney had wanted to have the wedding as quick as he could, and Carson wasn't sure if it was because Rodney was worried about something happening to take him away from him, or if it was because Rodney needed a solid reminder to stay alive for Carson. Whatever the reason, Carson was more than happy to oblige. The prospect of having Rodney McKay as his husband made him reel like the time he had his first kiss as a teenager.

Rodney has asked Radek to be his best man. John had felt overlooked, but understood that so far, Radek had been a better friend to Rodney than he had. Instead of being bitter about it, he had decided to instead try harder to be a better friend to the scientist. Carson had had a harder time choosing someone. He was friendly with a lot of people, but no one person stood out. Eventually, he had decided to ask a colleague from the infirmary: Dr Keller. He felt like it shouldn't matter what gender his best man was, so asked her to be his best woman. Elizabeth was of course officiating, and much to their surprise, the entire base had turned out for the ceremony.

Rodney breathed deep.

"You ready?" He asked Carson, who stood beside him.  
"Aye. Bit nervous, but an excited nervous." Carson said, smiling.

They both stood tall, and entered the gateroom. They didn't want to have a traditional ceremony, making one of them assume a female role and the other the male role by having one walk up the aisle. Instead, they decided to both enter together, and walk up together.

As they stood into the light of the gateroom, the crowd of people stood, and music started. They could see Elizabeth standing in front of the window, at the top of the stairs in front of the stargate. Radek and Dr Keller stood either side of her, and the rest of Rodney's team were up there as well. Everyone smiled as both Carson and Rodney walked down the aisle made through the middle of the crowd gathered to watch. They had their arms linked, both wearing suits, and beamed as they approached Elizabeth.

"We're all gathered here today to celebrate two of our senior officers, Dr Carson Beckett, and Dr Rodney McKay, joining together in marriage. The pathway we all walk here is a difficult one, and there are dark times for us all… and it is wonderful that through all that, we can find happiness and love. All of us here wish the both of you the very best in your future together, and we look forward to sharing your journey with you as we all continue to live and work together here in Atlantis. I know that there is no one present who opposes this union, but I am compelled to ask that any speak up now."

Elizabeth didn't leave any time for anyone to say anything before continuing.  
"Now, I believe you both have written vows?"

Carson nodded, and took Rodney's hand.

"Rodney, you are truly amazing, and I can't fathom my life without you in it. When we both started out here, I felt the connection between us… though at first I thought it was more annoyance at your whinging." Carson said, chuckling, and followed by a round of short laughter.

"But it wasn't long and I managed to see the man behind the facade you present outwards. The kind, caring man who would do anything and everything for the ones he loved. You were always so anxious, and when I saw why, I saw how beautiful of a person you were. Yes, you still are arrogant at times, but you're brilliant, and amazing. You told me that you want to become the man I deserve, but you don't realise how lucky I feel that I have you in my life. It is I who will try to be the man you deserve in the years that are to come."

Carson managed to get through all the speech he'd memorised without tearing up.

"Carson. You are the most incredible man I've ever met. I know I discredit your field often, but it's because I feel so inadequate in comparison. Here in Atlantis, it's about as important as a physicist can be. No where else really can someone of my skill set be responsible for saving lives… but you, you do that wherever you go. It's who you are. And you saved me. I'm not talking about the many times you have actually saved me from dying with your medical skills, I'm talking about you, your caring and compassion, your patience and understanding, that saved my life. I was so ready to quit and you made me see the best part was still to come. And yes, I will keep working hard to make myself a better man, because that's what you deserve. I love you, Carson."

"Then without further ado, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss." Elizabeth concluded.

Rodney used his thumb to wipe the tear forming in Carson's eye, and then kissed him. The base applauded, and the pair broke their kiss and held hands as they walked out of the room. They had a week of leave to do as they pleased for their honeymoon, none of which they intended to offer to do any work. Rodney was happier than he had been in a very long time, and Carson was euphoric. Rodney felt more sure than ever to fight as hard as his mind and soul could let him to stay living here with his wonderful, and devoted, husband. Things were better than they had been for a very long time, and Rodney, looking into the pure love and joy of Carson's face, knew that it would all be ok in the end.


End file.
